A Little bit from Small Town

Small Town was Produced by Annex Theater

Scene changes to the Coroner's Office. This scene is done behind a white sheet or screen. So, that it is all in shadows. BUD plays the CORONER.

SHERIFF
Mornin' Junius.  You said you got to see me?

CORONER
Sorry to wake you Sheriff.

SHERIFF
No problem.  I was watchin' some movie 'bout radioactive ants.

CORONER
I seen that movie.  You get to the part where they eat that ladies nose?

SHERIFF
Yeah.

CORONER
You didn't miss nothin' after that. I think you should take a look at this dead mailman.

SHERIFF
Midge in the front office says he was floating in the reservoir.

CORONER
Yeah.  Washed up outside the junior high school lunchroom. Some kids were smackin' it with a stick.

SHERIFF
We know who it is?

CORONER
Jack Pillsby.  Pretty sure.  What's left of him sure looks like Jack.  Remember when Jack barricaded himself in his fall out shelter?  Bit off his tongue and spat it at the Feds?  Man ought to have a right to own a few war heads.  This is America.

SHERIFF
I liked Jack.

CORONER
Everybody liked Jack.  Real shame.  What else you find?

CORONER
Hell, it's pretty interesting.  I've been poking around in here for four hours and it just keeps getting better.

SHERIFF
What's that orange stuff?

CORONER
Cheetos.

SHERIFF
Cheetos.

CORONER
I think that's Cheetos.  Yes.

SHERIFF
Jesus.

CORONER
What kind of sicko inserts Cheetos under the first epidermal layer?

SHERIFF
That is a question.  Who likes Cheetos?

CORONER
Hell.  Everybody likes Cheetos.

SHERIFF
So it doesn't narrow things down for us at all?

CORONER
No.

SHERIFF
Well crap. What else?

CORONER
No arms.  No legs.  Looks like taken off with a chainsaw.  Most of his head's still here.

SHERIFF
What's missing?

CORONER
Well, some brain is gone.

SHERIFF
Can you narrow that down son?

CORONER
There's a little heart design carved into the cerebral cortex.

SHERIFF
What does that mean?

CORONER
This is a puzzler.  I been thinkin' on it hard.  We know a few things.  Whoever killed these mailmen has a chainsaw and he's kinda sentimental.  Otherwise why the heart?

SHERIFF

Why the heart?  That's a good question.

CORONER
You know Sheriff, I don't believe in the boogey man or monsters.  I'm a grown man.  I seen a lot of real upsetting things in this line of work.  But most people don't like to kill each other.  They just get to where they can't see no other way and then they feel pretty bad for it.  But this guy whoever done this he likes killing.  I mean, he really likes killing.  And he's got something against the honest hardworking men and women at the US postal service.  Ain't normal.  Ain't normal at all.  It's monstrous.

SHERIFF
Is that a spleen?

CORONER
Yeah. You wanna touch it?

Office Party

MELANIE

I  don’t think I should go to the Office Christmas party anyway because, last year Kurt Nittles pinned me  to the Break-room refrigerator. He said I was a vixen and seductress, and that every time I use the fax machine I wink at him, and bend over in his direction. I don’t think this is true because, I’m not much of a winker. I am allergic to adhesives, and toner ink though so, I could be sneezing, which from a distance resembles a wink and you know, I bend over a lot. To get things. I try not to do it provocatively. I sure don’t mean to tempt Kurt Nittles. I don’t mean that all. Kurt Nittles smells exactly like Nacho cheese. And even if he didn’t. Even if he smelled like hamburger helper, which is my favorite smell, I still wouldn’t be winking and bending at him. I don’t have affairs with men from Accounts. I don’t have time. Not at all. I have three Pekinese at home and they are my first priority. Especially Tinkers. Because, yesterday Tinkers was making a noise like tttp kkkss hhhrk. Which makes me nervous. I hope he hasn’t eaten my crimping iron again. So, I’m probably not gonna even be able to go to the Christmas Party. Even if Kurt  Nittles wasn’t going. He is though. He sent me a fax of his mustache today. I guess he just got it trimmed.

Salty's Sea Palace- Performed at 14/48

Salty’s Sea Palace

By

Kelleen Conway Blanchard

Setting

Salty’s Sea Palace. A family restaurant

The employees dance a choreographed dance and sing a fishy song with their fish heads down.

They set out a fish stick with a candle in it

Captain Randy

Thar she blows little sailor.

Carson

Screams

Everyone exits except Kyle, Carson and Customer

Kyle

Hi mateys. I’m navigator Kyle your fishy flounder. How can I steer your ship today?

Customer

I want the salty sea lion super scooper. What do you want Carson?

Carson

Screams

Customer

Carson?

Carson

Screams

Customer

Could you put your head back on? It’s freaking the shit out of my kid.

Kyle

Its hot in there man.

Carson

Screams a whole lot

 Kyle is impassive. Someone throws a french fry at his head. He peels it off his ear.

Customer

I think I need to see your manager.

Kyle

Look dude. I don’t have to wear the head when I’m taking orders. That’s the rule at Saltys  Sea Palace. It’s hot in there. Look at my head. Look at it. That’s a blister on my forehead. From the fucking fin.

Customer

You cant say Fuck in front of my kid, you asshole.

Carson

Screams

Customer

Get your manager  right now Navigator Kyle.

Kyle

Fine. Look. My heads on. Okay?

Customer

I can’t understand you.

Kyle

That's because I have a fucking fish on my head you dick.

Customer

Rises from his seat and shouts out

Excuse me. I need the Manager.

Captain Randy

I’m the Manager Sir. Captain Randy here to make your trip at saltys sea palace smoo-ooth sailing.

Carson

Screams

Captain Randy

How are you little sailor?

Carson

Screams and  takes his pants off. Runs in a circle making fart noises.

Customer

Captain Randy, Carson and I came to Saltys Sea Palace today for a special underwater  treat and your  Navigator Kyle here wouldn’t put his head on. It scared the fuckshit out of  my kid.

Kyle

Randy, I don’t have to wear the head unless we’re singing the birthday song. That’s in the employee handbook.

Captain Randy

Okay Navigator Kyle, lets just work out this knotty problem with balloon animals. Who likes balloon animals?

Carson pees on the floor

Kyle

Randy that little dude just whizzed on the fucking floor.

Captain Randy

WALK THE PLANK KYLE. RIGHT NOW. WALK THE PLANK.

Kyle
Fine Randy. Eat shit man. Where you gonna get your weed now?

Captain Randy

GET OUT KYLE .

Kyle throws his fish head on the floor and exits flipping Captain Randy off the entire time

Captain Randy

Makes a terrible balloon animal

Look Carson. It’s a balloon...  squid.

A little bit of Hearts are Monsters

Hearts are Monsters was produced by Macha Monkey Theater and was nominated for a Gregory Award for Best New Play.

Scene one

 Setting

The High School Gym. Coach Snell is Center. Marcy enters.

Marcy

Mister Snell? Mister Snell? Can I talk to you Mister Snell?

Coach Snell

Uh.

Marcy

 I’m Marcy Moore. I’m in your 4th period class.

Coach Snell

I know who you are. I knew your Mother. She had normal feet.

Marcy

 I have weak arches Mister Snell.

Coach Snell

Marcy I have the intramural wrestling finals in 3 minutes. Last time I was late someone got pregnant.

Marcy

 I need to talk to you  Mister Snell, about my grade in 4th period Gymnasium class.

Coach Snell

You have 47 seconds.

Marcy

 On account of, I’m failing.

Coach Snell

 Yes, you are Marcy. You are failing.

Marcy

I was wondering Mister Snell, if maybe I could not fail that class. Because, if I fail 4th period Gymnasium I  will not be admitted to Stanford or Harvard  despite my otherwise perfect GPA and my many extracurricular activities including President of the Molecular Science Club, Founder of the Small Mammal Club  and Treasurer of the  Insect Enthusiasts. I do not want to end up a high school drop out Mister Snell. 48% of high school drop outs end up on the streets getting in cars with strange men for five dollars. I’m gonna need a better job than that Mister Snell.

Coach Snell

 Marcy when I took the job at Taft Memorial High School  I promised Principal Togtape three things; school Spirit , excellent Hygiene and a State Championship for the Taft Sea Urchins. We won the Championship thanks to Jack Webb and his overactive adrenal gland. And hygiene and school spirit are part of my character. Smell me Marcy. Exactly. I smell like nothing. I use a rinse of 40% hospital grade disinfectant four times a day everywhere. Do you understand?

Marcy

 Mister Snell I have a disability.

Coach Snell

Your files don’t list a disability Marcy. Your files list 12 years of not dressing for class, of falling asleep inside the equipment closet, of eating cold cuts on the wrestling mats, of being a Goddamn no show. Marcy you wanna go through life a Goddamn no show?

Marcy

 I’m not sure Mister Snell. But, you shouldn’t say goddamn because cursing is against Taft Memorial High School regulations.

Coach Snell

Marcy I’m late and let me tell you something; to be early is to be on time, to on time is to be late, and to be late is unacceptable. Right now I’m 3 minutes past late and  2 minutes into unacceptable.

Marcy

Mister Snell, in gymnasium class when we play baseball, my twin sister Wendy hits me in the back of the head with the ball, and when we play volleyball and soccer and even umm when we went bowling, she hits me in the back of the head with the ball. And because of my disability Mister Snell it makes me pee.

Coach Snell

What?

Marcy

I’m sorry. It makes me urinate. If I get hit in the back of the head, it makes me urinate. Because, when I was born, I was born with all of my insides on the outside of my body. And they had to scoop them back in. Plus, give me some chimpanzee parts. it’s not my fault. My family is nobility. Most of my cousins married their sisters and things like that.

Coach Snell

Your cousin married his sister and that’s why you can’t play volleyball?

Marcy

 Yes sir. Yes Mister Snell.

Coach Snell

Marcy, I’m gonna do you a  favor.

Marcy

Thanks Mister Snell.

Coach Snell

Marcy I’m gonna fail you.

Marcy

Mister Snell that’s not so much a super good favor.

Coach Snell

Marcy, I’m gonna fail you and you’re gonna learn something .You’re gonna learn that nobody hands you a free pass in this life. You gotta just get on the bus. You gotta pay your fare. You gotta run the race. Ain’t nobody gonna jump those hurdles for you. Life is a bear and you gotta wrestle it. You gotta get your hands on it and gouge out it’s bear eyes and rip out its bear tongue and eat its bear entrails.

Jack enters

Jack

 Hey Coach I got these red bumps. Things are swollen.

Marcy

Hi Jack.

Jack

Don’t talk to me you monkey.

Marcy

Okay.  Jack remember when we were square dance partners in third grade and I said I loved  you and I showed you the scar on my back where I used to have a tail?

Jack

No.

Marcy

Me neither.

Coach Snell

Marcy go home. Tell your Mother... I don't know. I don't know what you should tell your Mother.

Marcy

My Mother is still in love with my dead Daddy. She has Cook set a place for him at the dinner table and she never drinks his gin. Daddy hated if someone drank his gin. He needed it. Like medicine.

Coach Snell

Marcy go home  or I'll fail you for gym class for all four years retro-actively.

Marcy

You can't do that. Legally.  Bye Jack. Good luck with the big football game.

Jack

I don’t need luck Monkey.  I can kill a man in 32 seconds.

Marcy

 How?

Jack

Rabbit punch.

Marcy

Oh. I’ve never been rabbit punched. I was pantsed in Advanced History last year though. It was pretty embarrassing because it was Wednesday and I was wearing underpants that said Monday. I still got an A on the quiz we had on The Baton Death March though. Because, I am focused. Also, Death Marches are pretty interesting. ( pause) Well, Okay then I have to feed my mole rats.

She exits

Coach Snell

You go for the neck or the skull?

Jack

Throat. You gotta grab and pull.

Coach Snell

 No son. You twist. You go for a man’s throat you want to finish the job. You rip and twist.

Jack

A buck knife in his ear canal is good too though. Yeah?

Coach Snell

 Sure, if you’re lucky enough to be holding a buck knife when you need it. Thumbs in the eye sockets, sleeper hold. Son, I know at least 53 ways to kill a man with just my knuckles.

You think we got a chance against the Louisville fighting Wombats.

Jack

If we play defense.

Coach Snell

  Here. Here’s some salve for that rash.