Hearts are Monsters was produced by Macha Monkey Theater and was nominated for a Gregory Award for Best New Play.
Scene one
Setting
The High School Gym. Coach Snell is
Center. Marcy enters.
Marcy
Mister Snell? Mister Snell?
Can I talk to you Mister Snell?
Coach Snell
Uh.
Marcy
I’m Marcy Moore. I’m in your 4th period class.
Coach Snell
I know who you are. I knew
your Mother. She had normal feet.
Marcy
I have weak arches Mister Snell.
Coach Snell
Marcy I have the intramural
wrestling finals in 3 minutes. Last time I was late someone got pregnant.
Marcy
I need to talk to you Mister Snell, about my grade in 4th period
Gymnasium class.
Coach Snell
You have 47 seconds.
Marcy
On account of, I’m failing.
Coach Snell
Yes, you are Marcy. You are failing.
Marcy
I was wondering Mister
Snell, if maybe I could not fail that class. Because, if I fail 4th period
Gymnasium I will not be admitted to
Stanford or Harvard despite my otherwise
perfect GPA and my many extracurricular activities including President of the
Molecular Science Club, Founder of the Small Mammal Club and Treasurer of the Insect Enthusiasts. I do not want to end up a
high school drop out Mister Snell. 48% of high school drop outs end up on the
streets getting in cars with strange men for five dollars. I’m gonna need a
better job than that Mister Snell.
Coach Snell
Marcy when I took the job at Taft Memorial
High School I promised Principal Togtape
three things; school Spirit , excellent Hygiene and a State Championship for
the Taft Sea Urchins. We won the Championship thanks to Jack Webb and his
overactive adrenal gland. And hygiene and school spirit are part of my
character. Smell me Marcy. Exactly. I smell like nothing. I use a rinse of 40%
hospital grade disinfectant four times a day everywhere. Do you understand?
Marcy
Mister Snell I have a disability.
Coach Snell
Your files don’t list a
disability Marcy. Your files list 12 years of not dressing for class, of
falling asleep inside the equipment closet, of eating cold cuts on the wrestling
mats, of being a Goddamn no show. Marcy you wanna go through life a Goddamn no
show?
Marcy
I’m not sure Mister Snell. But, you shouldn’t
say goddamn because cursing is against Taft Memorial High School regulations.
Coach Snell
Marcy I’m late and let me
tell you something; to be early is to be on time, to on time is to be late, and
to be late is unacceptable. Right now I’m 3 minutes past late and 2 minutes into unacceptable.
Marcy
Mister Snell, in gymnasium
class when we play baseball, my twin sister Wendy hits me in the back of the
head with the ball, and when we play volleyball and soccer and even umm when we
went bowling, she hits me in the back of the head with the ball. And because of
my disability Mister Snell it makes me pee.
Coach Snell
What?
Marcy
I’m sorry. It makes me
urinate. If I get hit in the back of the head, it makes me urinate. Because,
when I was born, I was born with all of my insides on the outside of my body.
And they had to scoop them back in. Plus, give me some chimpanzee parts. it’s
not my fault. My family is nobility. Most of my cousins married their sisters
and things like that.
Coach Snell
Your cousin married his
sister and that’s why you can’t play volleyball?
Marcy
Yes sir. Yes Mister Snell.
Coach Snell
Marcy, I’m gonna do you
a favor.
Marcy
Thanks Mister Snell.
Coach Snell
Marcy I’m gonna fail you.
Marcy
Mister Snell that’s not so
much a super good favor.
Coach Snell
Marcy, I’m gonna fail you
and you’re gonna learn something .You’re gonna learn that nobody hands you a free
pass in this life. You gotta just get on the bus. You gotta pay your fare. You
gotta run the race. Ain’t nobody gonna jump those hurdles for you. Life is a
bear and you gotta wrestle it. You gotta get your hands on it and gouge out
it’s bear eyes and rip out its bear tongue and eat its bear entrails.
Jack enters
Jack
Hey Coach I got these red bumps. Things are
swollen.
Marcy
Hi Jack.
Jack
Don’t talk to me you monkey.
Marcy
Okay. Jack remember when we were square dance
partners in third grade and I said I loved
you and I showed you the scar on my back where I used to have a tail?
Jack
No.
Marcy
Me neither.
Coach Snell
Marcy go home. Tell your
Mother... I don't know. I don't know what you should tell your Mother.
Marcy
My Mother is still in love
with my dead Daddy. She has Cook set a place for him at the dinner table and
she never drinks his gin. Daddy hated if someone drank his gin. He needed it.
Like medicine.
Coach Snell
Marcy go home or I'll fail you for gym class for all four
years retro-actively.
Marcy
You can't do that.
Legally. Bye Jack. Good luck with the
big football game.
Jack
I don’t need luck
Monkey. I can kill a man in 32 seconds.
Marcy
How?
Jack
Rabbit punch.
Marcy
Oh. I’ve never been rabbit
punched. I was pantsed in Advanced History last year though. It was pretty
embarrassing because it was Wednesday and I was wearing underpants that said
Monday. I still got an A on the quiz we had on The Baton Death March though.
Because, I am focused. Also, Death Marches are pretty interesting. ( pause) Well, Okay then I have to feed
my mole rats.
She exits
Coach Snell
You go for the neck or the
skull?
Jack
Throat. You gotta grab and
pull.
Coach Snell
No son. You twist. You go for a man’s throat
you want to finish the job. You rip and twist.
Jack
A buck knife in his ear
canal is good too though. Yeah?
Coach Snell
Sure, if you’re lucky enough to be holding a
buck knife when you need it. Thumbs in the eye sockets, sleeper hold. Son, I
know at least 53 ways to kill a man with just my knuckles.
You think we got a chance
against the Louisville fighting Wombats.
Jack
If we play defense.
Coach Snell
Here. Here’s some salve for that rash.
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