Happy! Happy! Happy! A Christmas play with guns and fire.

Happy! Happy! Happy! A Christmas play with guns and fire.

Full-length play

Character Breakdown
Mother- A glamorous terrible woman somewhere past her forties.
Gwen- Mother’s oldest daughter, formerly married to Ted. Matthew’s mother. Betty’s sister.
Betty- Mother’s youngest daughter. Gwen’s sister.
Ted- Gwen’s ex-husband. Matthew’s father.
Gerald- Ted’s lover
Matthew- A nine year old boy. The product of Gwen and Ted’s disastrous marriage.
Guy- A sexy young man who works for Mother.
Gus- A sexy ambulance driver
Note- Gus and Guy can be played by the same actor with some small make-up change-for example a mustache. Matthew can be a little younger or older if needed.

Production History
happy!happy!happy a christmas play with guns and fire was produced at The Speakeasy by Live Girls! It was Published by Rain City

Synopsis
A horrible family spends Christmas together. Beefcake and explosions ensue.

Selected Excerpt

The lights snaps out on the doorway and bumps up onto a living room. It is furnished sparsely with a spiky metallic chair and an angular hard black couch. An off balance glass table is center. Upstage there is a Christmas tree with nothing on it. BETTY and GWEN stand on opposite ends of the room
BETTY
Well
GWEN
Well
BETTY
Happy holidays.
GWEN
Merry Christmas.
BETTY
Your present’s under the tree.
GWEN.
Nice.
BETTY
I’m getting a drink. Where does Mother hide the alcohol?
GWEN.
She doesn’t drink anymore. It’s unfashionable to be alcoholic in California these days.
BETTY
I’m not alcoholic.
GWEN
Just unfashionable.
BETTY
You left the kids behind.
GWEN
Matthew is too young to be exposed to Mother during the holidays. They wanted to spend time with the bastard.
BETTY
How is Ted?
GWEN
How should I know. He sends a check once a month. He wears plaid now.
BETTY
He always did.
GWEN
Now he wears it brazenly.
BETTY
I never liked him.
GWEN
He never liked you.
BETTY
You don’t make it easy to be on your side.
GWEN
It isn’t a tennis match. No one won. I don’t need you on my side.
BETTY
I bet Mother has alcohol somewhere.
GWEN
She keeps a bottle of cooking sherry in the bread box.
BETTY
Good enough.
GWEN
Don’t forget to put it back she’ll make you go to an AA meeting with her.
BETTY
She’s not an alcoholic.
GWEN
She doesn’t think it matters.
BETTY
Maybe it doesn’t. There’s no ornaments on the tree.
A recording of The Osmonds or someone like that begins playing on the wrong speed. MOTHER enters
MOTHER
So much more natural that way.
BETTY
Natural would be leaving it where it was. If you’re going to stick it in your living room.. You should throw something on it.
GWEN
Where are our old ornaments?
MOTHER.
I threw them out.
GWEN
Threw them out. Those were our childhood.
MOTHER
Nonsense. Your childhood was your childhood. Those ornaments were ugly and cheap.
BETTY
Like our childhood.