Such A Super Sweet Serial Killer

Yes. I have mostly finished my new play
Small Town

It’s a full length Romantic Comedy about killin’ 37 Mailmen. Give or take. Plus, Momma smokes Pall Malls through her neck.
Here’s a Lil’ Excerpt

Enjoy!

Small Town
by
Kelleen Conway Blanchard

Characters
Lucinda- Young and fresh like creamy butter. She has an eye patch.

Ruby- Lucinda’s Mama. Ruby’s hair is in an enormous beehive. She smokes Pall Malls through her neck.

Stu Lionel- Lucinda’s little brother. Super sweet, serial killer. He always wears a tiny mailman shirt.

Sheriff ( Dwayne)- His Mother was attacked by wild boars during childbirth. So, he’s only got part of his head.

Bud- He’s got real good hair.

The setting
America. Somewhere in the middle of it.

Sheriff
I’m here about your Momma.

Lucinda
My Momma’s in the basement boiling down a squirrel.

Sheriff
That’s that dead body smell, I smell then.

Lucinda
No. We don’t know what that smell is. You want some Koolaid?

Sheriff
I come to ask you some questions on account of all the dead people showing up in town.

Lucinda
I heard they found a nose behind the Gas and Sip.

Sheriff
That’s official police business. I can’t comment on that. I’m here on account people are saying some things about your Momma.

Lucinda
You sure I can’t get you nothing Sheriff? I got Ho Hos.

Sheriff
People are saying she kills people. Feeds ‘em to her cats. Look at those cats. That’s what some people think. You can tell. Look at how glossy they are. From people fat. Makes ‘em shine. Lotta people gone missing lately. That’s all I’m saying. Lotta people your momma knows.

Lucinda
My Momma never killed nobody except her first two husbands. Everybody knows that.

Sheriff
Now Lucinda. No one’s saying those boys didn’t need killing. Killing her first husband was God’s will.

Lucinda
That gun went off in her hand.

Sheriff
That’s right. Like I said, God’s will. God don’t like men that are romantic with chickens.

Lucinda
Poor chicken fuckin’ Fred. You know he could crochet?

Sheriff
No.

Lucinda
Yeah. He could crochet and he could eat a hundred hot-dogs in ten minutes.

Sheriff
Well people are a complicated business. Ain’t nobody all one thing.

Lucinda
Momma really loved that chicken fucker. Broke her heart. She only married her second husband Lyle for his discount working at wig world.

Sheriff
And nobody thinks less of your Momma taking the law into her own hands when her Lyle tried to leave her and steal those dancin’ rats she breeds.

Lucinda
Momma loves those animals.

Sheriff
I’m just telling you she’s a suspect .

Lucinda
Damn it Dwayne. You known my momma your whole damn life. She’s not the kind of person to kill people and try to hide it all up. She’s got actual notches in her belts from killing those husbands. I can tell you right now there’s no new notches. If she was gonna kill anybody she’d kill my pussy chasin’ Daddy.

Sheriff
She’s shot him 47 times. And took off his leg with a chain saw.

Lucinda
Daddy only needs the one leg anyhow.

Sheriff
Come on Lucinda, I’m the Sheriff here and we gotta be through. Some big FBI kind of investigator might be coming to town and seven dead men ain’t no joke.

Lucinda
They’re saying they were suffocated

Sheriff
I can’t disclose nothing.

Lucinda
They’re saying they were suffocated in somebody’s tits. They’re calling ‘em the titty murders around town.

Sheriff
There are a number of theories.

Lucinda
Well. Dwayne, if I were you I’d just take a look around town see who’s got a big rack.

Sheriff
Jesus, there’s cat hair everywhere.

Lucinda
Oh, put that in that basket. We save that. Momma makes sweaters out that. She knits baby blankets out of the dog hair.

Sheriff
Okay. uh look. I’m sorry about all this.

Lucinda
I guess you got a job to do.

Sheriff
I do Lucinda. Plus, I gotta tell you, I been down at the bar with your Daddy and he lost his peg leg again in a bet. So, if you wanna borrow my car and take him home ‘cause he’s pretty much just been leaning against the bar for four hours and I would’ve driven him home but, he won’t leave with me. Says he wants his baby daughter the one he taught to spit to come get him. He’s crying.

Lucinda
Well shit.

Sheriff
Can you spit 500 yards like he said?

Lucinda
I can do a lot things, I can wrestle a gater one handed, pluck a turkey with my eye teeth, skin a possum, plus I’m a dead shot. Daddy made sure I knew stuff before he up and left Momma for some whore.

Sheriff
You’re a lot of woman.

Lucinda
Sure.

Sheriff
Bud should treat you like somebody. He don’t know what he’s got.

Lucinda
Well love is like that ain’t it? I been crying so much I collapsed a lung.

Sheriff
He’s a turd.

Lucinda
Don’t matter I’m saving up for some fake titties. Then, I might leave this town, make dirty movies. A lot of people say I’m pretty good at doin’ it. I’m a hard worker you know.

Sheriff
Yeah, that’s what I hear. From people. Listen Lucinda, I know I’m not nobody and people say I can’t never amount to nothing on account of me being born with part of my head eaten off.

Lucinda
Wasn’t your fault your Mama got attacked by those wild pigs while you were being born.

Sheriff
I have a fake scalp now. Listen, it’s plastic.

Lucinda
Can I try? Can you take it off?

Sheriff
No it’s screwed in otherwise stuff would fall into my brain.

Lucinda
Dwayne, you’re no dumber than anybody else I know. You’re Sheriff.

Sheriff
Well, I can do most things but bacon makes me real nervous.

Lucinda
I bet.

Sheriff
I have a lot of feelings about pork.

Lucinda
It’s cold out there. Take this scarf. it’s golden retriever. Real warm.

Sheriff
Anyway, what I meant to say is, even though I aint nobody and I aint got nothing, I wouldn’t be like Bud. I would be real good. Treat you good.

Lucinda
I know you would. But I can’t never love nobody again. I got no heart now. It don’t work no more for loving.

Sheriff
Okay. Well, if you change your mind, if you know your heart comes back…

Lucinda
It won’t.

Sheriff
Well I can wait.

Lucinda
It aint coming back Dwayne. It’s all dead tissue. Scarred, burnt up, just a hole in my chest.

Sheriff
I’ll wait.

Lucinda
It’s dead.

Sheriff
Well, I won’t wait forever.

Lucinda
Good, cause its real, real, dead.

Sheriff
Like twenty years or something maybe.

Lucinda
Dwayne.

Sheriff
Anyway, you better go get your Daddy before he bets away his good leg.

Lucinda
Okay Dwayne. When I’m a big porno actress in Hollywood maybe you’ll come out and swim in my heart shaped pool.

Sheriff
Oh. I can’t get my head wet Lucinda. You tell your Momma to call down to the station when she gets done gutting that squirrel.

Edith's Head

Edith’s Head

One-Act ( 40 Minutes)
One- woman play

Character Breakdown
Edith. A young woman with a head in a jar.

Synopsis
Edith has important adventures and finds herself. All of herself.

Production History

Edith’s Head was produced by Annex Theatre in 2005. It was also seen, in part, at 12 Minutes Max, Room For Cream (With Baba Yaga Productions), and at Iron Composer.

Selected Excerpt

Edith
I was born with an extra head. It had a partial brain, an eye and hair. It was severed at birth and kept in a jar of formaldehyde for research at The Cranial Institute. It weighs two pounds. It has no mouth or ears. Now that I’m older I’ve reclaimed the head. It looks a little like me. On a whim, I named the head “Head”. I keep it in the guest room for kicks and to keep the guests from fucking for pleasure. It’s hard to fuck with head right there. Our family has a history of mutations. Some extra toes, some missing limbs and once a tail. My head beats them all. But, now I have a scar and if you push on it I’ll fall over.

Small Town

Small Town

Full Length Play

Character Breakdown

Lucinda- Young and fresh like creamy butter. She has an eye patch.
Ruby- Lucinda’s Mama. Ruby’s hair is in an enormous beehive. She smokes Pall Malls through her neck.
Stu Lionel- Lucinda’s little brother. Super sweet, serial killer. He always wears a tiny mailman shirt.
Sheriff ( Dwayne)- His Mother was attacked by wild boars during childbirth. So, he’s only got part of his head.
Bud- He’s got real good hair.

The Setting
America. Somewhere in the middle of it.

Synopsis
A Romantic Comedy with a lil’ bit of killin’.

Selected Excerpt

Sheriff
I’m here about your Momma.
Lucinda
My Momma’s in the basement boiling down a squirrel.
Sheriff
That’s that dead body smell, I smell then.
Lucinda
No. We don’t know what that smell is. You want some Koolaid?
Sheriff
I come to ask you some questions on account of all the dead people showing up in town.
Lucinda
I heard they found a nose behind the Gas and Sip.
Sheriff
That’s official police business. I can’t comment on that. I’m here on account people are saying some things about your Momma.
Lucinda
You sure I can’t get you nothing Sheriff? I got Ho Hos.
Sheriff
People are saying she kills people. Feeds ‘em to her cats. Look at those cats. That’s what some people think. You can tell. Look at how glossy they are. From people fat. Makes ‘em shine. Lotta people gone missing lately. That’s all I’m saying. Lotta people your momma knows.
Lucinda
My Momma never killed nobody except her first two husbands. Everybody knows that.
Sheriff
Now Lucinda. No one’s saying those boys didn’t need killing. Killing her first husband was God’s will.
Lucinda
That gun went off in her hand.
Sheriff
That’s right. Like I said, God’s will. God don’t like men that are romantic with chickens.
Lucinda
Poor chicken fuckin’ Fred. You know he could crochet?
Sheriff
No.
Lucinda
Yeah. He could crochet and he could eat a hundred hot-dogs in ten minutes.
Sheriff
Well people are a complicated business. Ain’t nobody all one thing.
Lucinda
Momma really loved that chicken fucker. Broke her heart. She only married her second husband Lyle for his discount working at wig world.
Sheriff
And nobody thinks less of your Momma taking the law into her own hands when her Lyle tried to leave her and steal those dancin’ rats she breeds.
Lucinda
Momma loves those animals.
Sheriff
I’m just telling you she’s a suspect .
Lucinda
Damn it Dwayne. You known my momma your whole damn life. She’s not the kind of person to kill people and try to hide it all up. She’s got actual notches in her belts from killing those husbands. I can tell you right now there’s no new notches. If she was gonna kill anybody she’d kill my pussy chasin’ Daddy.
Sheriff
She’s shot him 47 times. And took off his leg with a chain saw.
Lucinda
Daddy only needs the one leg anyhow.
Sheriff
Come on Lucinda, I’m the Sheriff here and we gotta be through. Some big FBI kind of investigator might be coming to town and seven dead men ain’t no joke.
Lucinda
They’re saying they were suffocated
Sheriff
I cant disclose nothing.
Lucinda
They’re saying they were suffocated in somebody’s tits. They’re calling ‘em the titty murders around town.
Sheriff
There are a number of theories.
Lucinda
Well. Dwayne, if I were you I’d just take a look around town see who’s got a big rack.
Sheriff
Jesus, there’s cat hair everywhere.
Lucinda
Oh put that in that basket. We save that. Momma makes sweaters out that. She knits baby blankets out of the dog hair.
Sheriff
Okay. uh look. I’m sorry about all this.
Lucinda
I guess you got a job to do.
Sheriff
I do Lucinda. Plus, I gotta tell you, I been down at the bar with your Daddy and he lost his peg leg again in a bet. So, if you wanna borrow my car and take him home ‘cause he’s pretty much just been leaning against the bar for four hours and I would’ve driven him home but, he won’t leave with me. Says he wants his baby daughter the one he taught to spit to come get him. He’s crying.
Lucinda
Well shit.
Sheriff
Can you spit 500 yards like he said?
Lucinda
I can do a lot things, I can wrestle a gater one handed, pluck a turkey with my eye teeth, skin a possum, plus I’m a dead shot. Daddy made sure I knew stuff before he up and left Momma for some whore.
Sheriff
You’re a lot of woman.
Lucinda
Sure.
Sheriff
Bud should treat you like somebody. He don’t know what he’s got.
Lucinda
Well love is like that ain’t it? I been crying so much I collapsed a lung.
Sheriff
He’s a turd.
Lucinda
Don’t matter I’m saving up for some fake titties. Then, I might leave this town, make dirty movies. A lot of people say I’m pretty good at doin’ it. I’m a hard worker you know.
Sheriff
Yeah, that’s what I hear. From people. Listen Lucinda, I know I’m not nobody and people say I can’t never amount to nothing on account of me being born with part of my head eaten off.
Lucinda
Wasn’t your fault your Mama got attacked by those wild pigs while you were being born.
Sheriff
I have a fake scalp now. Listen, it’s plastic.
Lucinda
Can I try? Can you take it off?
Sheriff
No it’s screwed in otherwise stuff would fall into my brain.
Lucinda
Dwayne, you’re no dumber than anybody else I know. You’re Sheriff.
Sheriff
Well, I can do most things but bacon makes me real nervous.
Lucinda
I bet.
Sheriff
I have a lot of feelings about pork.
Lucinda
It’s cold out there. Take this scarf. it’s golden retriever. Real warm.
Sheriff
Anyway, what I meant to say is, even though I aint nobody and I aint got nothing, I wouldn’t be like Bud. I would be real good. Treat you good.
Lucinda
I know you would. But I can’t never love nobody again. I got no heart now. It don’t work no more for loving.
Sheriff
Okay. Well, if you change your mind, if you know your heart comes back…
Lucinda
It won’t.
Sheriff
Well I can wait.
Lucinda
It aint coming back Dwayne. It’s all dead tissue. Scarred, burnt up, just a hole in my chest.
Sheriff
I’ll wait.
Lucinda
It’s dead.
Sheriff
Well, I won’t wait forever.
Lucinda
Good, cause its real, real, dead.
Sheriff
Like twenty years or something maybe.
Lucinda
Dwayne.
Sheriff
Anyway, you better go get your Daddy before he bets away his good leg.
Lucinda
Okay Dwayne. When I’m a big porno actress in Hollywood maybe you’ll come out and swim in my heart shaped pool.
Sheriff
Oh. I can’t get my head wet Lucinda. You tell your Momma to call down to the station when she gets done gutting that squirrel.
copyright 2006

Self Obsession In Blue

Self Obsession in Blue

Full Length

Character Breakdown
ZOE- Dissatisfied, disgruntled, disaffected, disenchanted, disoriented, disappointed. World weary and wondering

WANDA- Gentle candy-coated Magic girl and bona fide mystic.

LULU- Superficial, hateful, decaying, unnatural beauty queen. Poor Lulu. Her ego’s so-oo big she is her own small glittery galaxy.

THE BOX- God’s answering machine.

Synopsis
Two chicks stuck in the desert search for the meaning of life- find somewhat less.

Production History
Self Obsession in Blue was first produced as a ten- minute play as part of Perishable Theater’s Women’s Playwriting Festival in 1997. The full-length version was produced at Freehold Theater by Live Girls! and as a an actor’s showcase in L.A.

Selected Excerpt

WANDA- This is an embarrassing thing to admit and I think a lot of people lie about this but I don’t really like sex. I wasn’t you know molested or anything. I wasn’t. I just feel I’m not very good at it and you should do what you excel at as opposed to what you… well I’m just not really into it. I’ve done it plenty. I’ve given it a fair chance. And I don’t like it. I like parts of it. I like the kissing part if it’s not too spitty. Because, I really don’t like spitty. That’s gross. And I don’t like other people’s tongues in my mouth generally. Tongues are wet and sometimes they have that white stuff on them, and really how can you be sure about anyone’s else’s mouth? What if a piece of leftover food swam into your mouth from their mouth while you were kissing? That would be gross. And it could happen. And I think about that also. I like the touching part in general, as long it isn’t in the wrong spot, and then you have to try to wiggle it around into the right spot without being rude and that’s difficult. And I like the talking and cuddling afterward part but, generally they are asleep and I’m not. Sometimes I like sex just to know someone is into seeing me naked. Because, it’s nice to think someone is interested. But, I don’t like how messy it is and how you’re not supposed to think about other stuff or do anything else while it’s going on. I think there are a lot of rules and that can be hard to take.pause You know, Mormon’s make their own underwear?

Paper Flower

Paper Flower

Full length play

Character Breakdown

Palmo- A Tibetan Nun of about Twenty. She is a deeply, religious Buddhist
Drolma-Palmo’s younger sister of about eighteen. She is also a nun. She is a member of the prison underground
Tsering Gyalstsen-A Tibetan Prisoner of about Thirty
The Guard-A Chinese Guard at a Tibetan Prison
The waitress/Dream Woman-A Chinese waitress and later a dream woman

Synopsis

Paper Flower tells the stories of two Tibetan nuns and their struggle against The Chinese Occupation.

Production History

Paper Flower was part of FringeACT at A Contemporary Theatre.

Selected Excerpt

Palmo

I don’t feel anything? I feel everything. You think I’m not angry enough? You think I don’t see the dead always staring at me? You think I don’t feel any pain when the back of my head is slammed into the floor? I don’t feel anything? Because I don’t hate like you? I choose not to hate. Because, I know that’s what this place is for. Hate. I have to work hard not to hate. Everyday not to hate. Hating is easy. We are capable of more than that. Otherwise, we are nothing, no different than the guards who hate us every day. Don’t you think, I think sometimes when I am praying that no one will hear me? And what does it matter? That I could give up. Stop belieiving. But I hear my words. It is enough that I hear the words.

Hothouse Rose

Full Length play

Production History

Hothouse Rose was produced by Live Girls! Theatre and published by Rain City. It also Received a reading by Oberon Theatre in New York.

Synopsis

A dream play taking place sometime in the thirties. Hothouse Rose looks at the life of a child prostitute who escapes by becoming her favorite stories and films.

Happy! Happy! Happy! A Christmas play with guns and fire.

Happy! Happy! Happy! A Christmas play with guns and fire.

Full-length play

Character Breakdown
Mother- A glamorous terrible woman somewhere past her forties.
Gwen- Mother’s oldest daughter, formerly married to Ted. Matthew’s mother. Betty’s sister.
Betty- Mother’s youngest daughter. Gwen’s sister.
Ted- Gwen’s ex-husband. Matthew’s father.
Gerald- Ted’s lover
Matthew- A nine year old boy. The product of Gwen and Ted’s disastrous marriage.
Guy- A sexy young man who works for Mother.
Gus- A sexy ambulance driver
Note- Gus and Guy can be played by the same actor with some small make-up change-for example a mustache. Matthew can be a little younger or older if needed.

Production History
happy!happy!happy a christmas play with guns and fire was produced at The Speakeasy by Live Girls! It was Published by Rain City

Synopsis
A horrible family spends Christmas together. Beefcake and explosions ensue.

Selected Excerpt

The lights snaps out on the doorway and bumps up onto a living room. It is furnished sparsely with a spiky metallic chair and an angular hard black couch. An off balance glass table is center. Upstage there is a Christmas tree with nothing on it. BETTY and GWEN stand on opposite ends of the room
BETTY
Well
GWEN
Well
BETTY
Happy holidays.
GWEN
Merry Christmas.
BETTY
Your present’s under the tree.
GWEN.
Nice.
BETTY
I’m getting a drink. Where does Mother hide the alcohol?
GWEN.
She doesn’t drink anymore. It’s unfashionable to be alcoholic in California these days.
BETTY
I’m not alcoholic.
GWEN
Just unfashionable.
BETTY
You left the kids behind.
GWEN
Matthew is too young to be exposed to Mother during the holidays. They wanted to spend time with the bastard.
BETTY
How is Ted?
GWEN
How should I know. He sends a check once a month. He wears plaid now.
BETTY
He always did.
GWEN
Now he wears it brazenly.
BETTY
I never liked him.
GWEN
He never liked you.
BETTY
You don’t make it easy to be on your side.
GWEN
It isn’t a tennis match. No one won. I don’t need you on my side.
BETTY
I bet Mother has alcohol somewhere.
GWEN
She keeps a bottle of cooking sherry in the bread box.
BETTY
Good enough.
GWEN
Don’t forget to put it back she’ll make you go to an AA meeting with her.
BETTY
She’s not an alcoholic.
GWEN
She doesn’t think it matters.
BETTY
Maybe it doesn’t. There’s no ornaments on the tree.
A recording of The Osmonds or someone like that begins playing on the wrong speed. MOTHER enters
MOTHER
So much more natural that way.
BETTY
Natural would be leaving it where it was. If you’re going to stick it in your living room.. You should throw something on it.
GWEN
Where are our old ornaments?
MOTHER.
I threw them out.
GWEN
Threw them out. Those were our childhood.
MOTHER
Nonsense. Your childhood was your childhood. Those ornaments were ugly and cheap.
BETTY
Like our childhood.

Under The Table

Under the Table

10 Minute play
Character Breakdown
2 Men
2 Women

Nance- Office worker
Barb- Office worker
Bob Meyers - The Boss of The Office
Theodore- Office worker with an eye patch

Synopsis
Office Politics get serious.

Production History
Under the Table was produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2005 and by Annex Theatre as part of Spin the Bottle in 2006.

Selected Excerpt
BOB
I think you should go back to your cubicle.
THEODORE
I have a switchblade in my underwear. Under the elastic .
BOB
Are you threatening me?
THEODORE
Takes out the switchblade. He just holds it.
It sure is a complicated world Mr. Meyer. There’s hardly anything to hang onto these days. War and famine and and plagues of locusts and no carbs and reality tv and Republican punk rock bands .The whole worlds gone inside out and all it’s guts are spilling. Everything is lies and secrets. All I ever wanted my whole life was to come to the big city and staple in a cubicle. But, somehow the more I see the more hollow it all seems. All those glittery dreams. How’s a boy like me supposed to untangle it all Mr. Meyer? I’m just a farm boy. I was brought up natural. Nursed until I was nine. Married my Aunt Boo. She’s dead now. Eaten by wild dogs.
copyright 2005

The Daddys

The Daddys

10 Minute Play
Character Breakdown

4 men 1 woman

Little Philip- A ten-year old boy . He wears a sailor suit or a prep school uniform.
Mother- Little Phillips Mother. An Heiress.
Mertrude- The Steward
The Daddys- played by one actor or a puppet or slides) Daddy with a kitten and an ax in his head, Daddy with leprosy, Daddy with a sausage in his ass and Daddy the Piñata
The New Daddys-( played by one actor) Enrique The Ecuadorian Pool cleaner, Guru Don The Voodoo High Priest and Marcel the Artist

Synopsis
A young boy’s search for his father reveals the upsetting truth

Production History
The Daddys was produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2005.

Selected Excerpt

Little Philip
Mother came home from Safari Mother enters with a Safari hat on and a pelt. She never spoke of father. She gave me new fathers.
Mother sits at a table calmly writing with a quill pen. There are men’s shoes clearly visible underneath. Philip kicks at them.
Mother
Little Philip. What is the capital of Turkmenistan?
Little Philip
Ashgabat.
Mother
Good. How many people choke to death every year on ball-point pens?
Little Philip
Kicks at the boots again
Roughly 100
Mother
Perfect. I am pleased to see you haven’t been neglecting your studies while I was gone. Stupid little boys are sometimes fed to lunatics. Would you like a biscuit my perfect little man?
Little Philip
Yes.
Mother
Then, say hello to your brand new Daddy Enrique Enrique crawls out from under the table
Little Philip
Enrique is our Ecuadorian pool cleaner.
Mother
Enrique is your Daddy. Now say hello or no biscuit.
Little Philip
Hello Daddy.
Mother throws a biscuit, Little Philip catches it in his mouth.
Mother
You are Mother’s little bunny. You’re my little prince.
Enrique
Chupe mantequilla de mi culo English translation- Suck butter from my ass
Mother
See Little Philip. Enrique loves you
copyright 2005

The Ashes

The Ashes

10 Minute Play

CHARACTER BREAKDOWN

CHARLIE-A little boy in white pajamas. He will be Emperor someday

DOTTIE –A rather shrewish nursemaid.

EMPEROR- A jolly tyrant.

EMPRESS- A vague, tragic woman

SETTINGS
The nursery and the ruins of the palace.

Synopsis
A sicky young heir and a mysterious prophesy are the key to an Empire’s Destiny.

Production History
The Ashes was produced at The Mae West Fest

Selected Excerpt

SCENE II
The Emperor and Empress at tea amid the ruins of their palace. There are sounds of gunfire.

EMPRESS
The milk spilt.
EMPEROR
Drink it black.
EMPRESS
The tea isn’t good like it used to be.
EMPEROR
I know kitten, I know. Have a cookie.
EMPRESS
Charlie’s sick. White as cream. I think we should let him out.
EMPEROR
We must be firm buttercup. He’ll stay up there until he remembers.
There is the sound of an explosion. The teapot falls off the table
Oh. There goes the teapot
EMPEROR
Yes. They broke a window this morning. Shakes his fist at the outside world Assassins! Villains! Plagiarists!
EMPRESS
They want to destroy everything beautiful. Outside, it’s nothing but dust. This tea tastes like gunpowder. All of my dresses are covered in soot.
EMPEROR
Remember the quiet?
EMPRESS
No. No, I don’t. Poor dear Charlie. He’s sick. His lips are blue. He sweats in his sleep and talks of ice and yellow dogs. He’ll die.
EMPEROR
No. No. Don’t be hysterical. The Doctors have been up. The Doctors know. They have bags and bags of pills.
EMPRESS
They don’t know anything.
EMPEROR
Remember the first days? The crowds threw orchids, wrote operas. There were parades.
EMPRESS
You know I don’t remember anything.
A small bomb explodes at her feet
copyright2005

Stab.BackStab. In the Back. Stab.

Stab.BackStab. In the Back. Stab.

10 Minute play
Character Breakdown
1 man 4 Women

The Characters
Heather- Drummer
Curtis -Front man, lead singer
Lisa- Manager
Gina- Bass player
Mom- Curtis’ mom
Setting-Death Metal Band Rehearsal. Curtis’s Mom’s basement.
Synopsis
Bad Band. Bad Rehearsal.
Selected Excerpt

Mom
He tied me to the door knob with a tube sock, if you wanna know and said for me to me say some dirty things about myself like; about myself getting naked and washing a car, and getting naked and doing his laundry, and getting naked and mopping his floor. He wanted real detailed stories, like he was asking me questions like, “What kinda cleaner are you using on the floor? And “Are you mopping real hard and fast or kinda slow and soft?” And the whole time he was just drinking wine right out of the box and then he fell asleep on his bean bag chair. So no. I guess it wasn’t the best first date and I put on pantyhose and everything. I was sure he wasn’t like Don you know, Don Curtis’ father, with all the moles and how he’d pick his nose all the time but, pretend he was just scratching it. But, you could see he was picking it even though he said it was just that the itch was real deep. And Don- sorry Curtis- smelled like a hamster cage and you know he stabbed me right in the back. Left me for my sister on account of she can do that thing with her throat I should’ve just married that boy with the extra ear i went to the prom with he’s dead now
copyright 2006

Salty’s Sea Palace

Salty’s Sea Palace

10 Minute Play
Character Breakdown

Captain Randy- The manager. He wears a Captain costume and a fish head
Navigator Kyle- The Waiter. Wears a sailor suit and a fish head
Sea Chef Rick- Metal head with the longest greasiest hair imaginable. He is filthy. He has a fish head too.
Customer Dad- Polo Shirt wearing, cargo short sporting, prick
Carter- Five year old boy
Mermaid Brenda- Older German chain smoking waitress/ janitor squeezed into a poorly stitched mermaid costume. Yep she has a fish head
Mindy- Pretty
Kid- Kid with information. Could be played by Kyle, Carter, Dad or Brenda

Setting
Salty’s Sea Palace. A family restaraunt.

Synopsis
A musical about the horrors of customer service.

Production History
Salty’s Sea Palace was produced by Three Card Monty As Part Of 14/48
Selected Excerpt
Kyle
Hi mateys. I’m navigator Kyle your fishy flounder. How can I steer your ship today?
Customer
I want the salty sea lion super scooper. What do you want Carson?
Carson
Screams
Customer
Carson
Carson
Screams
Customer
Could you put your head back on? It’s freaking the shit out of my kid.
Kyle
Its hot in there man.
Carson
Screams a whole lot
Kyle is impassive. Someone throws a french fry at his head. He peels it off his ear.
Customer
I think I need to see your manager.
Kyle
Look dude. I don’t have to wear the head when I’m taking orders. That’s the rule at Saltys Sea Palace. It’s fucking hot in there. Look at my head. Look at it. That’s a blister on my forehead. From the fucking fin.
Customer
You cant say Fuck in front of my kid, you asshole.
Carson
Screams
Customer
Get your manager right now Navigator Kyle.
Kyle
Fine. Look. My heads on. Okay?
Customer
I can’t understand you.
Kyle
That’s because I have a fucking fish on my head you dick.
Customer
Rises from his seat and shouts out
Excuse me. I need the Manager.

F****in' At Fun Burger

F****in’ at Fun Burgers

F****in’ at Fun Burgers
10 Minute Play
Character Breakdown
2 men 2 women
Jimmy The Cashier
Kim The Fry Cook
Mr. JenkinsThe Assistant Manager
Lady A Customer
Synopsis
Passions run high at a the Burger Shack.
Production History
F****in’ at Fun Burgers was produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2006
Selected Excerpt
Jimmy
So. The toilet is broken. Flooding. I made Jeff plunge it but something’s stuck in there real big, like a rat maybe. Because those crawl up through the sewers right? And sometimes die in the pipes or bite you in the ass. Which is why I personally never sit when I shit. I hover. Anyway, when that fat fucker with the hairdo came in you know he always gets the whale burger and then he sits in the john for a hella long ass time , “You can’t use it.” I told him, “ you can’t use the shitter.” So, he’s nodding his head right? So, I go to the back to find Jeff and see if he’ll take a snake to the john, really dig in there. Then, I hear this noise. And that fat fucker with the hair has shit in the toilet. A huge ass turd and then like fled the scene. You know he climbed out the fucking window like a fucking fugitive. Like he’s on the run from the shit police. Jesus. I had to make Jeff get that thing out with a spoon. ‘Cause the manager ‘s coming in and he’s on edge. The dude is holding like a multitude of grudges on
account of nobody’s taken out the trash in fuck, I don’t know and there’s that cheesy piss smell coming from the supply closet . So, he’s in no mood to find a giant poo in the can. Right? So then Jeff’s all pissy at me calling me a fascist and throwing lettuce at the back of my head which I don’t need because everyone, literally every one is on my ass. And then, the manager says if any more roaches come up out of the dishwasher he’s holding me personally accountable. He said that. Man. Like I’m king of the cockroaches. I don’t have that kind of power. You know cockroaches can live a week without thier heads?
copyright 2006

Daddy

Daddy

10 minute Play
Character Breakdown
CHARACTERS
BOBBY- A young man home from military school
GENEVIEVE- The oldest sister. Sickly.
CLARISSA- The youngest sister. Deeply creepy. Has a headless doll.
NARRATOR-On the mike
MOTHER- A rather dim little girl of a woman
Synopsis
After Daddy’s death the creepy secrets seep out.
Production History
Daddy was Produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2005
Selected Excerpt
MOTHER
At night he’s so quick, like a jack rabbit. I think it’s nice that he just gets it done. He doesn’t muck around with a lot of wet stuff like in those silly movies. He’s efficient. Sometimes I don’t even notice. I go right on eating chocolates or reading my ladies home journal and boom he’s all done. Zipped up and asleep. He makes noises like a kitten while he sleeps. It hurts my ears. So, a lot of times while he’s sleeping I’ll pinch him hard under the armpit. Pinch and twist. And he’ll stop making those noises. We’ve been married for thirty seven years. I always said I’d marry a man named Harold and I just went right ahead and did.

Busking

Busking

10 Minute Play
Character Breakdown
COOKIE- Sexy, Southern Stripper
DELMAR- Sexy. Southern, Soldier
RAPHAEL-The Pope’s Hit man
THE TWINS- Two Female Assassins
Synopsis
Couple on their honeymoon fight assassins
Selected Excerpt
SETTING
Las Vegas. A motel room right off the highway. It’s got purple walls, a filthy bedspread, a view of the half emptied pool. COOKIE wears a sexy nightgown and heels. She’s clipping her fingernails on the edge of the bed. There’s Chinese take out boxes on the floor. DELMAR wears boxers and combat boots. He is watching pay per view porn on TV with medium interest.
COOKIE
When we get married I’m not wearing a goddamn veil.
DELMAR
Good. I think you should wear what that lady there on the TV is wearing.
COOKIE
I would too, if your momma were gonna be there. Assless hot pants are the shit baby.
DELMAR
My momma is a God fearing lady.
COOKIE
Your momma’s wasted her life down on her knees for a man who don’t give a shit about her. The holy spirit is a lousy lay.
DELMAR
Power of prayer kept me from losing my leg over in the desert Cookie.
COOKIE
I don’t believe all that superstition Delmar. You know I don’t . If God was paying attention why’d you get shot in the knee in the first place?
DELMAR
I can’t explain a holy experience Cookie. It was not angels and voices. I just said my words to God and I got this feeling in my mouth. I got the taste of butterscotch. Felt real hot. Hmm. I feel real hot right now. Let’s open this champagne and play good cowgirl and the bad, bad horse rustler.
COOKIE
I’m saving myself for after the wedding.

Bertie Black

Bertie Black

10 Minute play
Character Breakdown
2 Men
1 Woman

Bertie Black A high School Senior wearing a big shoe and a pantsuit.
Coach Snelll A High School Coach
Kyle Pimmons The Star of the team.

Synopsis
Misfit gets no revenge. There is no justice.

Production History
Bertie Black was produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2006.

Bertie
Mister Snell, in gymnasium class when we play baseball, Kyle Pimmons hits me in the back of the head with the ball, and when we play volleyball and soccer and even umm when we went bowling, he hits me in the back of the head with the ball. And because of my disability Mister Snell it makes me pee.
Mister Snell
What?
Bertie
I’m sorry. It makes me urinate. If I get hit in the back of the head, it makes me urinate. Because, when I was born, I was born with all of my insides on the outside of my body. And they had to scoop them back in. Plus, give me some chimpanzee parts. it’s not my fault. When my Momma was pregnant with me she didn’t know that she couldn’t huff the glue and suck the whip cream chargers.

Althea & Edmund

Althea and Edmund

One-Act Play

Character Breakdown

Althea- A young girl of no more than sixteen. She is a parlor maid.

Edmund- A young boy from a wealthy family

Synopsis

Althea and Edmund is a one-act, gothic, horror play.

Production History

Althea and Edmund was directed by Sheila Daniels as a Senior project at Cornish College of the Arts in 1997

Selected Excerpt

Scene Eleven
The Wedding

ALTHEA in a very conservative, elaborate wedding dress. She looks locked up. EDMUND in wedding clothes. Stilted wedding music plays. Both stand facing forward. As the music plays the bars of a cage descend over and around them.

EDMUND
In my dreams at night, you are smaller. I watch you from up above. You make sounds but, I’m too far away to hear them and sometimes I keep you in a bird cage just for fun. I poke a stick at you and you squeak and when I pet you you don’t try to get out of the cage. You like it there. I teach you the things I’ve learned from reading. And you agree that nobody knows more things. And you say that you love me very loud. So, loud I can hear it all the way up to where I am. I like you small. And when I’m tired of you I put a blanket over your bird cage and you are quiet. That’s what I think about when I’m sleeping next to you. I’m thinking that you should be smaller. You should take up less room.

ALTHEA
I dream and dream. Of bees. Bees on my face. I don’t move I don’t move or they’ll sting. I’m very still. I make my voice cold and blank. I make myself invisible like wind. But, the bees hang on and they sting but I don’t die. I don’t feel anything. Nothing happens but, I can’t move. And inside my stillness they build a hive and live there. Holding me still. And I’m afraid and I wake up with my hands over my mouth.

Scene Twelve

Setting- The bedroom of EDMUND’S house. There is a huge wooden bed covered with white sheets. EDMUND is half undressed. He sits on the bed. ALTHEA sits on the floor in front of the bed.

ALTHEA- No. I won’t.

EDMUND- Come here.

ALTHEA- I won’t have your mouth on mine. It’s stupid. I smell you. Salty and sharp. Like a dead bat.

EDMUND- It’s love. Don’t you want it? It’s love.

ALTHEA- You stink. Why don’t you take a bath?

EDMUND- I don’t have to. I’m the beast. I make the bleeding. I make the secrets.

ALTHEA- No. Did you buy me anything? Did you buy me a gift or something? Something gold? Something velvet. I don’t have any beautiful things.

EDMUND- You don’t love me Althea. Like you’re supposed to. You don’t think about me all of the time The way you should. Now that she’s dead. Dead in the ground with nothing to say to me. Do you love me the way she should’ve loved me

ALTHEA- Inside my head there’s this noise. Like a pounding. Like everyone talking at once. It gets worse. It gets louder. And she’s in there saying things. Telling me you’ll never give me what I need. I need so many things and you won’t give them. Where’s my servants? My money? My different shoes for every day of the week? A new dress each day? And all of the presents?.

EDMUND-I think about her. When her skin was black with poison. She looked beautiful and pure dead like that. I like the quiet of dead things.

ALTHEA- I’m asking you a question. When do I get my things? Don’t touch me when I asking you a question.

EDMUND-I have two pennies. Go buy yourself an ice cream little girl.

ALTHEA- Don’t be stupid.

EDMUND-I don’t want to give you mothers money.

ALTHEA-I don’t care what you want Edmund.

EDMUND-No. Nobody cares what I want.

ALTHEA-Don’t play with me. I’ve learned about making things happen. I can do a ritual. A magic spell. To make you vomit up the bad things and get small. A killing made you big. And I won’t be your bug. Smashed down. This is my house now.

EDMUND-I could push you into the floor. Stuff you into a box. I can’t hear you when you scream at me. You aren’t magic Althea. I am. I make things stop. I make magic. You don’t
make anything.

Kelleen Conway Blanchard - Playwright

Kelleen Conway Blanchard’s work has been seen/produced at Annex, 12 Minutes Max and Room for Cream, 14/48, Spin the Bottle and as part of FringeACT. Outside of Seattle, her plays have been part of Eight Tens at Eight in Santa Cruz, the 2nd Annual Festival of New Short Plays in Belfast, Maine and Perishable Theatre’s Women’s Playwriting Festival.

DIRECTING/ PLAYWRIGHTING
Edith’s Head Room For Cream. Paywright/Actor 2004

Edith’s Head 12 Minutes Max. Playwright/ Actor 2004

Edith’s Head Annex theatre. Playwright/Actor 2004

Daddy. Spin The Bottle Playwight/Director 2005

14/48 Playwright 2005 & 2006

Elvis. Eight Tens at Eight. Santa Cruz. Playwright. 2003

Elvis. 2nd Annual Festival of New Short Plays in Belfast, Maine. Playwright. 2003

The Ashes Mae West Fest. Playwright 2003

Paper Flowers FringeACT. Playwright 2003

Hothouse Rose Live Girls! Theater Playwright/Director 2002

Glass FringeACT. Playwright 2002

Happy! Happy! Happy! a christmas play with guns and fire. Live Girls! Theater
Playwright/Producer 1999

Hothouse/Quickies Live Girls! Theater Playwright/Director 2001

Self Obsession in Blue. (Ten minute version) Perishable Theater. Playwright.
1997.

Self Obsession in Blue Live Girls! Productions. Playwright/ Producer 1998.

Lunch The Annex Theater. (Spin The Bottle) Playwright. 2000

Lunch/Quickies. Live Girls! Productions. Playwright. 2000

TEACHING EXPERIENCE
Teaching Assistant. Literature of the Theater. Cornish College of The Arts.
1/99-05/99

AWARDS and HONORS
Winner of 1997 Perishable Theater’s Women’s Playwriting Festival.
Finalist in the 22nd Wichita State University Playwriting Contest
Self Obsession in Blue, Happy!Happy!Happy!a christmas play with guns and fire and Hothouse Rose published by Rain City

EDUCATION
09/93-05/96 Cornish College of the Arts.
BFA