Such A Super Sweet Serial Killer

Yes. I have mostly finished my new play
Small Town

It’s a full length Romantic Comedy about killin’ 37 Mailmen. Give or take. Plus, Momma smokes Pall Malls through her neck.
Here’s a Lil’ Excerpt

Enjoy!

Small Town
by
Kelleen Conway Blanchard

Characters
Lucinda- Young and fresh like creamy butter. She has an eye patch.

Ruby- Lucinda’s Mama. Ruby’s hair is in an enormous beehive. She smokes Pall Malls through her neck.

Stu Lionel- Lucinda’s little brother. Super sweet, serial killer. He always wears a tiny mailman shirt.

Sheriff ( Dwayne)- His Mother was attacked by wild boars during childbirth. So, he’s only got part of his head.

Bud- He’s got real good hair.

The setting
America. Somewhere in the middle of it.

Sheriff
I’m here about your Momma.

Lucinda
My Momma’s in the basement boiling down a squirrel.

Sheriff
That’s that dead body smell, I smell then.

Lucinda
No. We don’t know what that smell is. You want some Koolaid?

Sheriff
I come to ask you some questions on account of all the dead people showing up in town.

Lucinda
I heard they found a nose behind the Gas and Sip.

Sheriff
That’s official police business. I can’t comment on that. I’m here on account people are saying some things about your Momma.

Lucinda
You sure I can’t get you nothing Sheriff? I got Ho Hos.

Sheriff
People are saying she kills people. Feeds ‘em to her cats. Look at those cats. That’s what some people think. You can tell. Look at how glossy they are. From people fat. Makes ‘em shine. Lotta people gone missing lately. That’s all I’m saying. Lotta people your momma knows.

Lucinda
My Momma never killed nobody except her first two husbands. Everybody knows that.

Sheriff
Now Lucinda. No one’s saying those boys didn’t need killing. Killing her first husband was God’s will.

Lucinda
That gun went off in her hand.

Sheriff
That’s right. Like I said, God’s will. God don’t like men that are romantic with chickens.

Lucinda
Poor chicken fuckin’ Fred. You know he could crochet?

Sheriff
No.

Lucinda
Yeah. He could crochet and he could eat a hundred hot-dogs in ten minutes.

Sheriff
Well people are a complicated business. Ain’t nobody all one thing.

Lucinda
Momma really loved that chicken fucker. Broke her heart. She only married her second husband Lyle for his discount working at wig world.

Sheriff
And nobody thinks less of your Momma taking the law into her own hands when her Lyle tried to leave her and steal those dancin’ rats she breeds.

Lucinda
Momma loves those animals.

Sheriff
I’m just telling you she’s a suspect .

Lucinda
Damn it Dwayne. You known my momma your whole damn life. She’s not the kind of person to kill people and try to hide it all up. She’s got actual notches in her belts from killing those husbands. I can tell you right now there’s no new notches. If she was gonna kill anybody she’d kill my pussy chasin’ Daddy.

Sheriff
She’s shot him 47 times. And took off his leg with a chain saw.

Lucinda
Daddy only needs the one leg anyhow.

Sheriff
Come on Lucinda, I’m the Sheriff here and we gotta be through. Some big FBI kind of investigator might be coming to town and seven dead men ain’t no joke.

Lucinda
They’re saying they were suffocated

Sheriff
I can’t disclose nothing.

Lucinda
They’re saying they were suffocated in somebody’s tits. They’re calling ‘em the titty murders around town.

Sheriff
There are a number of theories.

Lucinda
Well. Dwayne, if I were you I’d just take a look around town see who’s got a big rack.

Sheriff
Jesus, there’s cat hair everywhere.

Lucinda
Oh, put that in that basket. We save that. Momma makes sweaters out that. She knits baby blankets out of the dog hair.

Sheriff
Okay. uh look. I’m sorry about all this.

Lucinda
I guess you got a job to do.

Sheriff
I do Lucinda. Plus, I gotta tell you, I been down at the bar with your Daddy and he lost his peg leg again in a bet. So, if you wanna borrow my car and take him home ‘cause he’s pretty much just been leaning against the bar for four hours and I would’ve driven him home but, he won’t leave with me. Says he wants his baby daughter the one he taught to spit to come get him. He’s crying.

Lucinda
Well shit.

Sheriff
Can you spit 500 yards like he said?

Lucinda
I can do a lot things, I can wrestle a gater one handed, pluck a turkey with my eye teeth, skin a possum, plus I’m a dead shot. Daddy made sure I knew stuff before he up and left Momma for some whore.

Sheriff
You’re a lot of woman.

Lucinda
Sure.

Sheriff
Bud should treat you like somebody. He don’t know what he’s got.

Lucinda
Well love is like that ain’t it? I been crying so much I collapsed a lung.

Sheriff
He’s a turd.

Lucinda
Don’t matter I’m saving up for some fake titties. Then, I might leave this town, make dirty movies. A lot of people say I’m pretty good at doin’ it. I’m a hard worker you know.

Sheriff
Yeah, that’s what I hear. From people. Listen Lucinda, I know I’m not nobody and people say I can’t never amount to nothing on account of me being born with part of my head eaten off.

Lucinda
Wasn’t your fault your Mama got attacked by those wild pigs while you were being born.

Sheriff
I have a fake scalp now. Listen, it’s plastic.

Lucinda
Can I try? Can you take it off?

Sheriff
No it’s screwed in otherwise stuff would fall into my brain.

Lucinda
Dwayne, you’re no dumber than anybody else I know. You’re Sheriff.

Sheriff
Well, I can do most things but bacon makes me real nervous.

Lucinda
I bet.

Sheriff
I have a lot of feelings about pork.

Lucinda
It’s cold out there. Take this scarf. it’s golden retriever. Real warm.

Sheriff
Anyway, what I meant to say is, even though I aint nobody and I aint got nothing, I wouldn’t be like Bud. I would be real good. Treat you good.

Lucinda
I know you would. But I can’t never love nobody again. I got no heart now. It don’t work no more for loving.

Sheriff
Okay. Well, if you change your mind, if you know your heart comes back…

Lucinda
It won’t.

Sheriff
Well I can wait.

Lucinda
It aint coming back Dwayne. It’s all dead tissue. Scarred, burnt up, just a hole in my chest.

Sheriff
I’ll wait.

Lucinda
It’s dead.

Sheriff
Well, I won’t wait forever.

Lucinda
Good, cause its real, real, dead.

Sheriff
Like twenty years or something maybe.

Lucinda
Dwayne.

Sheriff
Anyway, you better go get your Daddy before he bets away his good leg.

Lucinda
Okay Dwayne. When I’m a big porno actress in Hollywood maybe you’ll come out and swim in my heart shaped pool.

Sheriff
Oh. I can’t get my head wet Lucinda. You tell your Momma to call down to the station when she gets done gutting that squirrel.