Edith's Head

Edith’s Head

One-Act ( 40 Minutes)
One- woman play

Character Breakdown
Edith. A young woman with a head in a jar.

Synopsis
Edith has important adventures and finds herself. All of herself.

Production History

Edith’s Head was produced by Annex Theatre in 2005. It was also seen, in part, at 12 Minutes Max, Room For Cream (With Baba Yaga Productions), and at Iron Composer.

Selected Excerpt

Edith
I was born with an extra head. It had a partial brain, an eye and hair. It was severed at birth and kept in a jar of formaldehyde for research at The Cranial Institute. It weighs two pounds. It has no mouth or ears. Now that I’m older I’ve reclaimed the head. It looks a little like me. On a whim, I named the head “Head”. I keep it in the guest room for kicks and to keep the guests from fucking for pleasure. It’s hard to fuck with head right there. Our family has a history of mutations. Some extra toes, some missing limbs and once a tail. My head beats them all. But, now I have a scar and if you push on it I’ll fall over.

Small Town

Small Town

Full Length Play

Character Breakdown

Lucinda- Young and fresh like creamy butter. She has an eye patch.
Ruby- Lucinda’s Mama. Ruby’s hair is in an enormous beehive. She smokes Pall Malls through her neck.
Stu Lionel- Lucinda’s little brother. Super sweet, serial killer. He always wears a tiny mailman shirt.
Sheriff ( Dwayne)- His Mother was attacked by wild boars during childbirth. So, he’s only got part of his head.
Bud- He’s got real good hair.

The Setting
America. Somewhere in the middle of it.

Synopsis
A Romantic Comedy with a lil’ bit of killin’.

Selected Excerpt

Sheriff
I’m here about your Momma.
Lucinda
My Momma’s in the basement boiling down a squirrel.
Sheriff
That’s that dead body smell, I smell then.
Lucinda
No. We don’t know what that smell is. You want some Koolaid?
Sheriff
I come to ask you some questions on account of all the dead people showing up in town.
Lucinda
I heard they found a nose behind the Gas and Sip.
Sheriff
That’s official police business. I can’t comment on that. I’m here on account people are saying some things about your Momma.
Lucinda
You sure I can’t get you nothing Sheriff? I got Ho Hos.
Sheriff
People are saying she kills people. Feeds ‘em to her cats. Look at those cats. That’s what some people think. You can tell. Look at how glossy they are. From people fat. Makes ‘em shine. Lotta people gone missing lately. That’s all I’m saying. Lotta people your momma knows.
Lucinda
My Momma never killed nobody except her first two husbands. Everybody knows that.
Sheriff
Now Lucinda. No one’s saying those boys didn’t need killing. Killing her first husband was God’s will.
Lucinda
That gun went off in her hand.
Sheriff
That’s right. Like I said, God’s will. God don’t like men that are romantic with chickens.
Lucinda
Poor chicken fuckin’ Fred. You know he could crochet?
Sheriff
No.
Lucinda
Yeah. He could crochet and he could eat a hundred hot-dogs in ten minutes.
Sheriff
Well people are a complicated business. Ain’t nobody all one thing.
Lucinda
Momma really loved that chicken fucker. Broke her heart. She only married her second husband Lyle for his discount working at wig world.
Sheriff
And nobody thinks less of your Momma taking the law into her own hands when her Lyle tried to leave her and steal those dancin’ rats she breeds.
Lucinda
Momma loves those animals.
Sheriff
I’m just telling you she’s a suspect .
Lucinda
Damn it Dwayne. You known my momma your whole damn life. She’s not the kind of person to kill people and try to hide it all up. She’s got actual notches in her belts from killing those husbands. I can tell you right now there’s no new notches. If she was gonna kill anybody she’d kill my pussy chasin’ Daddy.
Sheriff
She’s shot him 47 times. And took off his leg with a chain saw.
Lucinda
Daddy only needs the one leg anyhow.
Sheriff
Come on Lucinda, I’m the Sheriff here and we gotta be through. Some big FBI kind of investigator might be coming to town and seven dead men ain’t no joke.
Lucinda
They’re saying they were suffocated
Sheriff
I cant disclose nothing.
Lucinda
They’re saying they were suffocated in somebody’s tits. They’re calling ‘em the titty murders around town.
Sheriff
There are a number of theories.
Lucinda
Well. Dwayne, if I were you I’d just take a look around town see who’s got a big rack.
Sheriff
Jesus, there’s cat hair everywhere.
Lucinda
Oh put that in that basket. We save that. Momma makes sweaters out that. She knits baby blankets out of the dog hair.
Sheriff
Okay. uh look. I’m sorry about all this.
Lucinda
I guess you got a job to do.
Sheriff
I do Lucinda. Plus, I gotta tell you, I been down at the bar with your Daddy and he lost his peg leg again in a bet. So, if you wanna borrow my car and take him home ‘cause he’s pretty much just been leaning against the bar for four hours and I would’ve driven him home but, he won’t leave with me. Says he wants his baby daughter the one he taught to spit to come get him. He’s crying.
Lucinda
Well shit.
Sheriff
Can you spit 500 yards like he said?
Lucinda
I can do a lot things, I can wrestle a gater one handed, pluck a turkey with my eye teeth, skin a possum, plus I’m a dead shot. Daddy made sure I knew stuff before he up and left Momma for some whore.
Sheriff
You’re a lot of woman.
Lucinda
Sure.
Sheriff
Bud should treat you like somebody. He don’t know what he’s got.
Lucinda
Well love is like that ain’t it? I been crying so much I collapsed a lung.
Sheriff
He’s a turd.
Lucinda
Don’t matter I’m saving up for some fake titties. Then, I might leave this town, make dirty movies. A lot of people say I’m pretty good at doin’ it. I’m a hard worker you know.
Sheriff
Yeah, that’s what I hear. From people. Listen Lucinda, I know I’m not nobody and people say I can’t never amount to nothing on account of me being born with part of my head eaten off.
Lucinda
Wasn’t your fault your Mama got attacked by those wild pigs while you were being born.
Sheriff
I have a fake scalp now. Listen, it’s plastic.
Lucinda
Can I try? Can you take it off?
Sheriff
No it’s screwed in otherwise stuff would fall into my brain.
Lucinda
Dwayne, you’re no dumber than anybody else I know. You’re Sheriff.
Sheriff
Well, I can do most things but bacon makes me real nervous.
Lucinda
I bet.
Sheriff
I have a lot of feelings about pork.
Lucinda
It’s cold out there. Take this scarf. it’s golden retriever. Real warm.
Sheriff
Anyway, what I meant to say is, even though I aint nobody and I aint got nothing, I wouldn’t be like Bud. I would be real good. Treat you good.
Lucinda
I know you would. But I can’t never love nobody again. I got no heart now. It don’t work no more for loving.
Sheriff
Okay. Well, if you change your mind, if you know your heart comes back…
Lucinda
It won’t.
Sheriff
Well I can wait.
Lucinda
It aint coming back Dwayne. It’s all dead tissue. Scarred, burnt up, just a hole in my chest.
Sheriff
I’ll wait.
Lucinda
It’s dead.
Sheriff
Well, I won’t wait forever.
Lucinda
Good, cause its real, real, dead.
Sheriff
Like twenty years or something maybe.
Lucinda
Dwayne.
Sheriff
Anyway, you better go get your Daddy before he bets away his good leg.
Lucinda
Okay Dwayne. When I’m a big porno actress in Hollywood maybe you’ll come out and swim in my heart shaped pool.
Sheriff
Oh. I can’t get my head wet Lucinda. You tell your Momma to call down to the station when she gets done gutting that squirrel.
copyright 2006

Self Obsession In Blue

Self Obsession in Blue

Full Length

Character Breakdown
ZOE- Dissatisfied, disgruntled, disaffected, disenchanted, disoriented, disappointed. World weary and wondering

WANDA- Gentle candy-coated Magic girl and bona fide mystic.

LULU- Superficial, hateful, decaying, unnatural beauty queen. Poor Lulu. Her ego’s so-oo big she is her own small glittery galaxy.

THE BOX- God’s answering machine.

Synopsis
Two chicks stuck in the desert search for the meaning of life- find somewhat less.

Production History
Self Obsession in Blue was first produced as a ten- minute play as part of Perishable Theater’s Women’s Playwriting Festival in 1997. The full-length version was produced at Freehold Theater by Live Girls! and as a an actor’s showcase in L.A.

Selected Excerpt

WANDA- This is an embarrassing thing to admit and I think a lot of people lie about this but I don’t really like sex. I wasn’t you know molested or anything. I wasn’t. I just feel I’m not very good at it and you should do what you excel at as opposed to what you… well I’m just not really into it. I’ve done it plenty. I’ve given it a fair chance. And I don’t like it. I like parts of it. I like the kissing part if it’s not too spitty. Because, I really don’t like spitty. That’s gross. And I don’t like other people’s tongues in my mouth generally. Tongues are wet and sometimes they have that white stuff on them, and really how can you be sure about anyone’s else’s mouth? What if a piece of leftover food swam into your mouth from their mouth while you were kissing? That would be gross. And it could happen. And I think about that also. I like the touching part in general, as long it isn’t in the wrong spot, and then you have to try to wiggle it around into the right spot without being rude and that’s difficult. And I like the talking and cuddling afterward part but, generally they are asleep and I’m not. Sometimes I like sex just to know someone is into seeing me naked. Because, it’s nice to think someone is interested. But, I don’t like how messy it is and how you’re not supposed to think about other stuff or do anything else while it’s going on. I think there are a lot of rules and that can be hard to take.pause You know, Mormon’s make their own underwear?

Paper Flower

Paper Flower

Full length play

Character Breakdown

Palmo- A Tibetan Nun of about Twenty. She is a deeply, religious Buddhist
Drolma-Palmo’s younger sister of about eighteen. She is also a nun. She is a member of the prison underground
Tsering Gyalstsen-A Tibetan Prisoner of about Thirty
The Guard-A Chinese Guard at a Tibetan Prison
The waitress/Dream Woman-A Chinese waitress and later a dream woman

Synopsis

Paper Flower tells the stories of two Tibetan nuns and their struggle against The Chinese Occupation.

Production History

Paper Flower was part of FringeACT at A Contemporary Theatre.

Selected Excerpt

Palmo

I don’t feel anything? I feel everything. You think I’m not angry enough? You think I don’t see the dead always staring at me? You think I don’t feel any pain when the back of my head is slammed into the floor? I don’t feel anything? Because I don’t hate like you? I choose not to hate. Because, I know that’s what this place is for. Hate. I have to work hard not to hate. Everyday not to hate. Hating is easy. We are capable of more than that. Otherwise, we are nothing, no different than the guards who hate us every day. Don’t you think, I think sometimes when I am praying that no one will hear me? And what does it matter? That I could give up. Stop belieiving. But I hear my words. It is enough that I hear the words.

Hothouse Rose

Full Length play

Production History

Hothouse Rose was produced by Live Girls! Theatre and published by Rain City. It also Received a reading by Oberon Theatre in New York.

Synopsis

A dream play taking place sometime in the thirties. Hothouse Rose looks at the life of a child prostitute who escapes by becoming her favorite stories and films.

Happy! Happy! Happy! A Christmas play with guns and fire.

Happy! Happy! Happy! A Christmas play with guns and fire.

Full-length play

Character Breakdown
Mother- A glamorous terrible woman somewhere past her forties.
Gwen- Mother’s oldest daughter, formerly married to Ted. Matthew’s mother. Betty’s sister.
Betty- Mother’s youngest daughter. Gwen’s sister.
Ted- Gwen’s ex-husband. Matthew’s father.
Gerald- Ted’s lover
Matthew- A nine year old boy. The product of Gwen and Ted’s disastrous marriage.
Guy- A sexy young man who works for Mother.
Gus- A sexy ambulance driver
Note- Gus and Guy can be played by the same actor with some small make-up change-for example a mustache. Matthew can be a little younger or older if needed.

Production History
happy!happy!happy a christmas play with guns and fire was produced at The Speakeasy by Live Girls! It was Published by Rain City

Synopsis
A horrible family spends Christmas together. Beefcake and explosions ensue.

Selected Excerpt

The lights snaps out on the doorway and bumps up onto a living room. It is furnished sparsely with a spiky metallic chair and an angular hard black couch. An off balance glass table is center. Upstage there is a Christmas tree with nothing on it. BETTY and GWEN stand on opposite ends of the room
BETTY
Well
GWEN
Well
BETTY
Happy holidays.
GWEN
Merry Christmas.
BETTY
Your present’s under the tree.
GWEN.
Nice.
BETTY
I’m getting a drink. Where does Mother hide the alcohol?
GWEN.
She doesn’t drink anymore. It’s unfashionable to be alcoholic in California these days.
BETTY
I’m not alcoholic.
GWEN
Just unfashionable.
BETTY
You left the kids behind.
GWEN
Matthew is too young to be exposed to Mother during the holidays. They wanted to spend time with the bastard.
BETTY
How is Ted?
GWEN
How should I know. He sends a check once a month. He wears plaid now.
BETTY
He always did.
GWEN
Now he wears it brazenly.
BETTY
I never liked him.
GWEN
He never liked you.
BETTY
You don’t make it easy to be on your side.
GWEN
It isn’t a tennis match. No one won. I don’t need you on my side.
BETTY
I bet Mother has alcohol somewhere.
GWEN
She keeps a bottle of cooking sherry in the bread box.
BETTY
Good enough.
GWEN
Don’t forget to put it back she’ll make you go to an AA meeting with her.
BETTY
She’s not an alcoholic.
GWEN
She doesn’t think it matters.
BETTY
Maybe it doesn’t. There’s no ornaments on the tree.
A recording of The Osmonds or someone like that begins playing on the wrong speed. MOTHER enters
MOTHER
So much more natural that way.
BETTY
Natural would be leaving it where it was. If you’re going to stick it in your living room.. You should throw something on it.
GWEN
Where are our old ornaments?
MOTHER.
I threw them out.
GWEN
Threw them out. Those were our childhood.
MOTHER
Nonsense. Your childhood was your childhood. Those ornaments were ugly and cheap.
BETTY
Like our childhood.