Under the Table
10 Minute play
Character Breakdown
2 Men
2 Women
Nance- Office worker
Barb- Office worker
Bob Meyers - The Boss of The Office
Theodore- Office worker with an eye patch
Synopsis
Office Politics get serious.
Production History
Under the Table was produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2005 and by Annex Theatre as part of Spin the Bottle in 2006.
Selected Excerpt
BOB
I think you should go back to your cubicle.
THEODORE
I have a switchblade in my underwear. Under the elastic .
BOB
Are you threatening me?
THEODORE
Takes out the switchblade. He just holds it.
It sure is a complicated world Mr. Meyer. There’s hardly anything to hang onto these days. War and famine and and plagues of locusts and no carbs and reality tv and Republican punk rock bands .The whole worlds gone inside out and all it’s guts are spilling. Everything is lies and secrets. All I ever wanted my whole life was to come to the big city and staple in a cubicle. But, somehow the more I see the more hollow it all seems. All those glittery dreams. How’s a boy like me supposed to untangle it all Mr. Meyer? I’m just a farm boy. I was brought up natural. Nursed until I was nine. Married my Aunt Boo. She’s dead now. Eaten by wild dogs.
copyright 2005
Saturday, July 28, 2007
The Daddys
The Daddys
10 Minute Play
Character Breakdown
4 men 1 woman
Little Philip- A ten-year old boy . He wears a sailor suit or a prep school uniform.
Mother- Little Phillips Mother. An Heiress.
Mertrude- The Steward
The Daddys- played by one actor or a puppet or slides) Daddy with a kitten and an ax in his head, Daddy with leprosy, Daddy with a sausage in his ass and Daddy the Piñata
The New Daddys-( played by one actor) Enrique The Ecuadorian Pool cleaner, Guru Don The Voodoo High Priest and Marcel the Artist
Synopsis
A young boy’s search for his father reveals the upsetting truth
Production History
The Daddys was produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2005.
Selected Excerpt
Little Philip
Mother came home from Safari Mother enters with a Safari hat on and a pelt. She never spoke of father. She gave me new fathers.
Mother sits at a table calmly writing with a quill pen. There are men’s shoes clearly visible underneath. Philip kicks at them.
Mother
Little Philip. What is the capital of Turkmenistan?
Little Philip
Ashgabat.
Mother
Good. How many people choke to death every year on ball-point pens?
Little Philip
Kicks at the boots again
Roughly 100
Mother
Perfect. I am pleased to see you haven’t been neglecting your studies while I was gone. Stupid little boys are sometimes fed to lunatics. Would you like a biscuit my perfect little man?
Little Philip
Yes.
Mother
Then, say hello to your brand new Daddy Enrique Enrique crawls out from under the table
Little Philip
Enrique is our Ecuadorian pool cleaner.
Mother
Enrique is your Daddy. Now say hello or no biscuit.
Little Philip
Hello Daddy.
Mother throws a biscuit, Little Philip catches it in his mouth.
Mother
You are Mother’s little bunny. You’re my little prince.
Enrique
Chupe mantequilla de mi culo English translation- Suck butter from my ass
Mother
See Little Philip. Enrique loves you
copyright 2005
10 Minute Play
Character Breakdown
4 men 1 woman
Little Philip- A ten-year old boy . He wears a sailor suit or a prep school uniform.
Mother- Little Phillips Mother. An Heiress.
Mertrude- The Steward
The Daddys- played by one actor or a puppet or slides) Daddy with a kitten and an ax in his head, Daddy with leprosy, Daddy with a sausage in his ass and Daddy the Piñata
The New Daddys-( played by one actor) Enrique The Ecuadorian Pool cleaner, Guru Don The Voodoo High Priest and Marcel the Artist
Synopsis
A young boy’s search for his father reveals the upsetting truth
Production History
The Daddys was produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2005.
Selected Excerpt
Little Philip
Mother came home from Safari Mother enters with a Safari hat on and a pelt. She never spoke of father. She gave me new fathers.
Mother sits at a table calmly writing with a quill pen. There are men’s shoes clearly visible underneath. Philip kicks at them.
Mother
Little Philip. What is the capital of Turkmenistan?
Little Philip
Ashgabat.
Mother
Good. How many people choke to death every year on ball-point pens?
Little Philip
Kicks at the boots again
Roughly 100
Mother
Perfect. I am pleased to see you haven’t been neglecting your studies while I was gone. Stupid little boys are sometimes fed to lunatics. Would you like a biscuit my perfect little man?
Little Philip
Yes.
Mother
Then, say hello to your brand new Daddy Enrique Enrique crawls out from under the table
Little Philip
Enrique is our Ecuadorian pool cleaner.
Mother
Enrique is your Daddy. Now say hello or no biscuit.
Little Philip
Hello Daddy.
Mother throws a biscuit, Little Philip catches it in his mouth.
Mother
You are Mother’s little bunny. You’re my little prince.
Enrique
Chupe mantequilla de mi culo English translation- Suck butter from my ass
Mother
See Little Philip. Enrique loves you
copyright 2005
The Ashes
The Ashes
10 Minute Play
CHARACTER BREAKDOWN
CHARLIE-A little boy in white pajamas. He will be Emperor someday
DOTTIE –A rather shrewish nursemaid.
EMPEROR- A jolly tyrant.
EMPRESS- A vague, tragic woman
SETTINGS
The nursery and the ruins of the palace.
Synopsis
A sicky young heir and a mysterious prophesy are the key to an Empire’s Destiny.
Production History
The Ashes was produced at The Mae West Fest
Selected Excerpt
SCENE II
The Emperor and Empress at tea amid the ruins of their palace. There are sounds of gunfire.
EMPRESS
The milk spilt.
EMPEROR
Drink it black.
EMPRESS
The tea isn’t good like it used to be.
EMPEROR
I know kitten, I know. Have a cookie.
EMPRESS
Charlie’s sick. White as cream. I think we should let him out.
EMPEROR
We must be firm buttercup. He’ll stay up there until he remembers.
There is the sound of an explosion. The teapot falls off the table
Oh. There goes the teapot
EMPEROR
Yes. They broke a window this morning. Shakes his fist at the outside world Assassins! Villains! Plagiarists!
EMPRESS
They want to destroy everything beautiful. Outside, it’s nothing but dust. This tea tastes like gunpowder. All of my dresses are covered in soot.
EMPEROR
Remember the quiet?
EMPRESS
No. No, I don’t. Poor dear Charlie. He’s sick. His lips are blue. He sweats in his sleep and talks of ice and yellow dogs. He’ll die.
EMPEROR
No. No. Don’t be hysterical. The Doctors have been up. The Doctors know. They have bags and bags of pills.
EMPRESS
They don’t know anything.
EMPEROR
Remember the first days? The crowds threw orchids, wrote operas. There were parades.
EMPRESS
You know I don’t remember anything.
A small bomb explodes at her feet
copyright2005
10 Minute Play
CHARACTER BREAKDOWN
CHARLIE-A little boy in white pajamas. He will be Emperor someday
DOTTIE –A rather shrewish nursemaid.
EMPEROR- A jolly tyrant.
EMPRESS- A vague, tragic woman
SETTINGS
The nursery and the ruins of the palace.
Synopsis
A sicky young heir and a mysterious prophesy are the key to an Empire’s Destiny.
Production History
The Ashes was produced at The Mae West Fest
Selected Excerpt
SCENE II
The Emperor and Empress at tea amid the ruins of their palace. There are sounds of gunfire.
EMPRESS
The milk spilt.
EMPEROR
Drink it black.
EMPRESS
The tea isn’t good like it used to be.
EMPEROR
I know kitten, I know. Have a cookie.
EMPRESS
Charlie’s sick. White as cream. I think we should let him out.
EMPEROR
We must be firm buttercup. He’ll stay up there until he remembers.
There is the sound of an explosion. The teapot falls off the table
Oh. There goes the teapot
EMPEROR
Yes. They broke a window this morning. Shakes his fist at the outside world Assassins! Villains! Plagiarists!
EMPRESS
They want to destroy everything beautiful. Outside, it’s nothing but dust. This tea tastes like gunpowder. All of my dresses are covered in soot.
EMPEROR
Remember the quiet?
EMPRESS
No. No, I don’t. Poor dear Charlie. He’s sick. His lips are blue. He sweats in his sleep and talks of ice and yellow dogs. He’ll die.
EMPEROR
No. No. Don’t be hysterical. The Doctors have been up. The Doctors know. They have bags and bags of pills.
EMPRESS
They don’t know anything.
EMPEROR
Remember the first days? The crowds threw orchids, wrote operas. There were parades.
EMPRESS
You know I don’t remember anything.
A small bomb explodes at her feet
copyright2005
Stab.BackStab. In the Back. Stab.
Stab.BackStab. In the Back. Stab.
10 Minute play
Character Breakdown
1 man 4 Women
The Characters
Heather- Drummer
Curtis -Front man, lead singer
Lisa- Manager
Gina- Bass player
Mom- Curtis’ mom
Setting-Death Metal Band Rehearsal. Curtis’s Mom’s basement.
Synopsis
Bad Band. Bad Rehearsal.
Selected Excerpt
Mom
He tied me to the door knob with a tube sock, if you wanna know and said for me to me say some dirty things about myself like; about myself getting naked and washing a car, and getting naked and doing his laundry, and getting naked and mopping his floor. He wanted real detailed stories, like he was asking me questions like, “What kinda cleaner are you using on the floor? And “Are you mopping real hard and fast or kinda slow and soft?” And the whole time he was just drinking wine right out of the box and then he fell asleep on his bean bag chair. So no. I guess it wasn’t the best first date and I put on pantyhose and everything. I was sure he wasn’t like Don you know, Don Curtis’ father, with all the moles and how he’d pick his nose all the time but, pretend he was just scratching it. But, you could see he was picking it even though he said it was just that the itch was real deep. And Don- sorry Curtis- smelled like a hamster cage and you know he stabbed me right in the back. Left me for my sister on account of she can do that thing with her throat I should’ve just married that boy with the extra ear i went to the prom with he’s dead now
copyright 2006
10 Minute play
Character Breakdown
1 man 4 Women
The Characters
Heather- Drummer
Curtis -Front man, lead singer
Lisa- Manager
Gina- Bass player
Mom- Curtis’ mom
Setting-Death Metal Band Rehearsal. Curtis’s Mom’s basement.
Synopsis
Bad Band. Bad Rehearsal.
Selected Excerpt
Mom
He tied me to the door knob with a tube sock, if you wanna know and said for me to me say some dirty things about myself like; about myself getting naked and washing a car, and getting naked and doing his laundry, and getting naked and mopping his floor. He wanted real detailed stories, like he was asking me questions like, “What kinda cleaner are you using on the floor? And “Are you mopping real hard and fast or kinda slow and soft?” And the whole time he was just drinking wine right out of the box and then he fell asleep on his bean bag chair. So no. I guess it wasn’t the best first date and I put on pantyhose and everything. I was sure he wasn’t like Don you know, Don Curtis’ father, with all the moles and how he’d pick his nose all the time but, pretend he was just scratching it. But, you could see he was picking it even though he said it was just that the itch was real deep. And Don- sorry Curtis- smelled like a hamster cage and you know he stabbed me right in the back. Left me for my sister on account of she can do that thing with her throat I should’ve just married that boy with the extra ear i went to the prom with he’s dead now
copyright 2006
Salty’s Sea Palace
Salty’s Sea Palace
10 Minute Play
Character Breakdown
Captain Randy- The manager. He wears a Captain costume and a fish head
Navigator Kyle- The Waiter. Wears a sailor suit and a fish head
Sea Chef Rick- Metal head with the longest greasiest hair imaginable. He is filthy. He has a fish head too.
Customer Dad- Polo Shirt wearing, cargo short sporting, prick
Carter- Five year old boy
Mermaid Brenda- Older German chain smoking waitress/ janitor squeezed into a poorly stitched mermaid costume. Yep she has a fish head
Mindy- Pretty
Kid- Kid with information. Could be played by Kyle, Carter, Dad or Brenda
Setting
Salty’s Sea Palace. A family restaraunt.
Synopsis
A musical about the horrors of customer service.
Production History
Salty’s Sea Palace was produced by Three Card Monty As Part Of 14/48
Selected Excerpt
Kyle
Hi mateys. I’m navigator Kyle your fishy flounder. How can I steer your ship today?
Customer
I want the salty sea lion super scooper. What do you want Carson?
Carson
Screams
Customer
Carson
Carson
Screams
Customer
Could you put your head back on? It’s freaking the shit out of my kid.
Kyle
Its hot in there man.
Carson
Screams a whole lot
Kyle is impassive. Someone throws a french fry at his head. He peels it off his ear.
Customer
I think I need to see your manager.
Kyle
Look dude. I don’t have to wear the head when I’m taking orders. That’s the rule at Saltys Sea Palace. It’s fucking hot in there. Look at my head. Look at it. That’s a blister on my forehead. From the fucking fin.
Customer
You cant say Fuck in front of my kid, you asshole.
Carson
Screams
Customer
Get your manager right now Navigator Kyle.
Kyle
Fine. Look. My heads on. Okay?
Customer
I can’t understand you.
Kyle
That’s because I have a fucking fish on my head you dick.
Customer
Rises from his seat and shouts out
Excuse me. I need the Manager.
10 Minute Play
Character Breakdown
Captain Randy- The manager. He wears a Captain costume and a fish head
Navigator Kyle- The Waiter. Wears a sailor suit and a fish head
Sea Chef Rick- Metal head with the longest greasiest hair imaginable. He is filthy. He has a fish head too.
Customer Dad- Polo Shirt wearing, cargo short sporting, prick
Carter- Five year old boy
Mermaid Brenda- Older German chain smoking waitress/ janitor squeezed into a poorly stitched mermaid costume. Yep she has a fish head
Mindy- Pretty
Kid- Kid with information. Could be played by Kyle, Carter, Dad or Brenda
Setting
Salty’s Sea Palace. A family restaraunt.
Synopsis
A musical about the horrors of customer service.
Production History
Salty’s Sea Palace was produced by Three Card Monty As Part Of 14/48
Selected Excerpt
Kyle
Hi mateys. I’m navigator Kyle your fishy flounder. How can I steer your ship today?
Customer
I want the salty sea lion super scooper. What do you want Carson?
Carson
Screams
Customer
Carson
Carson
Screams
Customer
Could you put your head back on? It’s freaking the shit out of my kid.
Kyle
Its hot in there man.
Carson
Screams a whole lot
Kyle is impassive. Someone throws a french fry at his head. He peels it off his ear.
Customer
I think I need to see your manager.
Kyle
Look dude. I don’t have to wear the head when I’m taking orders. That’s the rule at Saltys Sea Palace. It’s fucking hot in there. Look at my head. Look at it. That’s a blister on my forehead. From the fucking fin.
Customer
You cant say Fuck in front of my kid, you asshole.
Carson
Screams
Customer
Get your manager right now Navigator Kyle.
Kyle
Fine. Look. My heads on. Okay?
Customer
I can’t understand you.
Kyle
That’s because I have a fucking fish on my head you dick.
Customer
Rises from his seat and shouts out
Excuse me. I need the Manager.
F****in' At Fun Burger
F****in’ at Fun Burgers
F****in’ at Fun Burgers
10 Minute Play
Character Breakdown
2 men 2 women
Jimmy The Cashier
Kim The Fry Cook
Mr. JenkinsThe Assistant Manager
Lady A Customer
Synopsis
Passions run high at a the Burger Shack.
Production History
F****in’ at Fun Burgers was produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2006
Selected Excerpt
Jimmy
So. The toilet is broken. Flooding. I made Jeff plunge it but something’s stuck in there real big, like a rat maybe. Because those crawl up through the sewers right? And sometimes die in the pipes or bite you in the ass. Which is why I personally never sit when I shit. I hover. Anyway, when that fat fucker with the hairdo came in you know he always gets the whale burger and then he sits in the john for a hella long ass time , “You can’t use it.” I told him, “ you can’t use the shitter.” So, he’s nodding his head right? So, I go to the back to find Jeff and see if he’ll take a snake to the john, really dig in there. Then, I hear this noise. And that fat fucker with the hair has shit in the toilet. A huge ass turd and then like fled the scene. You know he climbed out the fucking window like a fucking fugitive. Like he’s on the run from the shit police. Jesus. I had to make Jeff get that thing out with a spoon. ‘Cause the manager ‘s coming in and he’s on edge. The dude is holding like a multitude of grudges on
account of nobody’s taken out the trash in fuck, I don’t know and there’s that cheesy piss smell coming from the supply closet . So, he’s in no mood to find a giant poo in the can. Right? So then Jeff’s all pissy at me calling me a fascist and throwing lettuce at the back of my head which I don’t need because everyone, literally every one is on my ass. And then, the manager says if any more roaches come up out of the dishwasher he’s holding me personally accountable. He said that. Man. Like I’m king of the cockroaches. I don’t have that kind of power. You know cockroaches can live a week without thier heads?
copyright 2006
F****in’ at Fun Burgers
10 Minute Play
Character Breakdown
2 men 2 women
Jimmy The Cashier
Kim The Fry Cook
Mr. JenkinsThe Assistant Manager
Lady A Customer
Synopsis
Passions run high at a the Burger Shack.
Production History
F****in’ at Fun Burgers was produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2006
Selected Excerpt
Jimmy
So. The toilet is broken. Flooding. I made Jeff plunge it but something’s stuck in there real big, like a rat maybe. Because those crawl up through the sewers right? And sometimes die in the pipes or bite you in the ass. Which is why I personally never sit when I shit. I hover. Anyway, when that fat fucker with the hairdo came in you know he always gets the whale burger and then he sits in the john for a hella long ass time , “You can’t use it.” I told him, “ you can’t use the shitter.” So, he’s nodding his head right? So, I go to the back to find Jeff and see if he’ll take a snake to the john, really dig in there. Then, I hear this noise. And that fat fucker with the hair has shit in the toilet. A huge ass turd and then like fled the scene. You know he climbed out the fucking window like a fucking fugitive. Like he’s on the run from the shit police. Jesus. I had to make Jeff get that thing out with a spoon. ‘Cause the manager ‘s coming in and he’s on edge. The dude is holding like a multitude of grudges on
account of nobody’s taken out the trash in fuck, I don’t know and there’s that cheesy piss smell coming from the supply closet . So, he’s in no mood to find a giant poo in the can. Right? So then Jeff’s all pissy at me calling me a fascist and throwing lettuce at the back of my head which I don’t need because everyone, literally every one is on my ass. And then, the manager says if any more roaches come up out of the dishwasher he’s holding me personally accountable. He said that. Man. Like I’m king of the cockroaches. I don’t have that kind of power. You know cockroaches can live a week without thier heads?
copyright 2006
Daddy
Daddy
10 minute Play
Character Breakdown
CHARACTERS
BOBBY- A young man home from military school
GENEVIEVE- The oldest sister. Sickly.
CLARISSA- The youngest sister. Deeply creepy. Has a headless doll.
NARRATOR-On the mike
MOTHER- A rather dim little girl of a woman
Synopsis
After Daddy’s death the creepy secrets seep out.
Production History
Daddy was Produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2005
Selected Excerpt
MOTHER
At night he’s so quick, like a jack rabbit. I think it’s nice that he just gets it done. He doesn’t muck around with a lot of wet stuff like in those silly movies. He’s efficient. Sometimes I don’t even notice. I go right on eating chocolates or reading my ladies home journal and boom he’s all done. Zipped up and asleep. He makes noises like a kitten while he sleeps. It hurts my ears. So, a lot of times while he’s sleeping I’ll pinch him hard under the armpit. Pinch and twist. And he’ll stop making those noises. We’ve been married for thirty seven years. I always said I’d marry a man named Harold and I just went right ahead and did.
10 minute Play
Character Breakdown
CHARACTERS
BOBBY- A young man home from military school
GENEVIEVE- The oldest sister. Sickly.
CLARISSA- The youngest sister. Deeply creepy. Has a headless doll.
NARRATOR-On the mike
MOTHER- A rather dim little girl of a woman
Synopsis
After Daddy’s death the creepy secrets seep out.
Production History
Daddy was Produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2005
Selected Excerpt
MOTHER
At night he’s so quick, like a jack rabbit. I think it’s nice that he just gets it done. He doesn’t muck around with a lot of wet stuff like in those silly movies. He’s efficient. Sometimes I don’t even notice. I go right on eating chocolates or reading my ladies home journal and boom he’s all done. Zipped up and asleep. He makes noises like a kitten while he sleeps. It hurts my ears. So, a lot of times while he’s sleeping I’ll pinch him hard under the armpit. Pinch and twist. And he’ll stop making those noises. We’ve been married for thirty seven years. I always said I’d marry a man named Harold and I just went right ahead and did.
Busking
Busking
10 Minute Play
Character Breakdown
COOKIE- Sexy, Southern Stripper
DELMAR- Sexy. Southern, Soldier
RAPHAEL-The Pope’s Hit man
THE TWINS- Two Female Assassins
Synopsis
Couple on their honeymoon fight assassins
Selected Excerpt
SETTING
Las Vegas. A motel room right off the highway. It’s got purple walls, a filthy bedspread, a view of the half emptied pool. COOKIE wears a sexy nightgown and heels. She’s clipping her fingernails on the edge of the bed. There’s Chinese take out boxes on the floor. DELMAR wears boxers and combat boots. He is watching pay per view porn on TV with medium interest.
COOKIE
When we get married I’m not wearing a goddamn veil.
DELMAR
Good. I think you should wear what that lady there on the TV is wearing.
COOKIE
I would too, if your momma were gonna be there. Assless hot pants are the shit baby.
DELMAR
My momma is a God fearing lady.
COOKIE
Your momma’s wasted her life down on her knees for a man who don’t give a shit about her. The holy spirit is a lousy lay.
DELMAR
Power of prayer kept me from losing my leg over in the desert Cookie.
COOKIE
I don’t believe all that superstition Delmar. You know I don’t . If God was paying attention why’d you get shot in the knee in the first place?
DELMAR
I can’t explain a holy experience Cookie. It was not angels and voices. I just said my words to God and I got this feeling in my mouth. I got the taste of butterscotch. Felt real hot. Hmm. I feel real hot right now. Let’s open this champagne and play good cowgirl and the bad, bad horse rustler.
COOKIE
I’m saving myself for after the wedding.
10 Minute Play
Character Breakdown
COOKIE- Sexy, Southern Stripper
DELMAR- Sexy. Southern, Soldier
RAPHAEL-The Pope’s Hit man
THE TWINS- Two Female Assassins
Synopsis
Couple on their honeymoon fight assassins
Selected Excerpt
SETTING
Las Vegas. A motel room right off the highway. It’s got purple walls, a filthy bedspread, a view of the half emptied pool. COOKIE wears a sexy nightgown and heels. She’s clipping her fingernails on the edge of the bed. There’s Chinese take out boxes on the floor. DELMAR wears boxers and combat boots. He is watching pay per view porn on TV with medium interest.
COOKIE
When we get married I’m not wearing a goddamn veil.
DELMAR
Good. I think you should wear what that lady there on the TV is wearing.
COOKIE
I would too, if your momma were gonna be there. Assless hot pants are the shit baby.
DELMAR
My momma is a God fearing lady.
COOKIE
Your momma’s wasted her life down on her knees for a man who don’t give a shit about her. The holy spirit is a lousy lay.
DELMAR
Power of prayer kept me from losing my leg over in the desert Cookie.
COOKIE
I don’t believe all that superstition Delmar. You know I don’t . If God was paying attention why’d you get shot in the knee in the first place?
DELMAR
I can’t explain a holy experience Cookie. It was not angels and voices. I just said my words to God and I got this feeling in my mouth. I got the taste of butterscotch. Felt real hot. Hmm. I feel real hot right now. Let’s open this champagne and play good cowgirl and the bad, bad horse rustler.
COOKIE
I’m saving myself for after the wedding.
Bertie Black
Bertie Black
10 Minute play
Character Breakdown
2 Men
1 Woman
Bertie Black A high School Senior wearing a big shoe and a pantsuit.
Coach Snelll A High School Coach
Kyle Pimmons The Star of the team.
Synopsis
Misfit gets no revenge. There is no justice.
Production History
Bertie Black was produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2006.
Bertie
Mister Snell, in gymnasium class when we play baseball, Kyle Pimmons hits me in the back of the head with the ball, and when we play volleyball and soccer and even umm when we went bowling, he hits me in the back of the head with the ball. And because of my disability Mister Snell it makes me pee.
Mister Snell
What?
Bertie
I’m sorry. It makes me urinate. If I get hit in the back of the head, it makes me urinate. Because, when I was born, I was born with all of my insides on the outside of my body. And they had to scoop them back in. Plus, give me some chimpanzee parts. it’s not my fault. When my Momma was pregnant with me she didn’t know that she couldn’t huff the glue and suck the whip cream chargers.
10 Minute play
Character Breakdown
2 Men
1 Woman
Bertie Black A high School Senior wearing a big shoe and a pantsuit.
Coach Snelll A High School Coach
Kyle Pimmons The Star of the team.
Synopsis
Misfit gets no revenge. There is no justice.
Production History
Bertie Black was produced by Three Card Monty as part of 14/48 in 2006.
Bertie
Mister Snell, in gymnasium class when we play baseball, Kyle Pimmons hits me in the back of the head with the ball, and when we play volleyball and soccer and even umm when we went bowling, he hits me in the back of the head with the ball. And because of my disability Mister Snell it makes me pee.
Mister Snell
What?
Bertie
I’m sorry. It makes me urinate. If I get hit in the back of the head, it makes me urinate. Because, when I was born, I was born with all of my insides on the outside of my body. And they had to scoop them back in. Plus, give me some chimpanzee parts. it’s not my fault. When my Momma was pregnant with me she didn’t know that she couldn’t huff the glue and suck the whip cream chargers.
Althea & Edmund
Althea and Edmund
One-Act Play
Character Breakdown
Althea- A young girl of no more than sixteen. She is a parlor maid.
Edmund- A young boy from a wealthy family
Synopsis
Althea and Edmund is a one-act, gothic, horror play.
Production History
Althea and Edmund was directed by Sheila Daniels as a Senior project at Cornish College of the Arts in 1997
Selected Excerpt
Scene Eleven
The Wedding
ALTHEA in a very conservative, elaborate wedding dress. She looks locked up. EDMUND in wedding clothes. Stilted wedding music plays. Both stand facing forward. As the music plays the bars of a cage descend over and around them.
EDMUND
In my dreams at night, you are smaller. I watch you from up above. You make sounds but, I’m too far away to hear them and sometimes I keep you in a bird cage just for fun. I poke a stick at you and you squeak and when I pet you you don’t try to get out of the cage. You like it there. I teach you the things I’ve learned from reading. And you agree that nobody knows more things. And you say that you love me very loud. So, loud I can hear it all the way up to where I am. I like you small. And when I’m tired of you I put a blanket over your bird cage and you are quiet. That’s what I think about when I’m sleeping next to you. I’m thinking that you should be smaller. You should take up less room.
ALTHEA
I dream and dream. Of bees. Bees on my face. I don’t move I don’t move or they’ll sting. I’m very still. I make my voice cold and blank. I make myself invisible like wind. But, the bees hang on and they sting but I don’t die. I don’t feel anything. Nothing happens but, I can’t move. And inside my stillness they build a hive and live there. Holding me still. And I’m afraid and I wake up with my hands over my mouth.
Scene Twelve
Setting- The bedroom of EDMUND’S house. There is a huge wooden bed covered with white sheets. EDMUND is half undressed. He sits on the bed. ALTHEA sits on the floor in front of the bed.
ALTHEA- No. I won’t.
EDMUND- Come here.
ALTHEA- I won’t have your mouth on mine. It’s stupid. I smell you. Salty and sharp. Like a dead bat.
EDMUND- It’s love. Don’t you want it? It’s love.
ALTHEA- You stink. Why don’t you take a bath?
EDMUND- I don’t have to. I’m the beast. I make the bleeding. I make the secrets.
ALTHEA- No. Did you buy me anything? Did you buy me a gift or something? Something gold? Something velvet. I don’t have any beautiful things.
EDMUND- You don’t love me Althea. Like you’re supposed to. You don’t think about me all of the time The way you should. Now that she’s dead. Dead in the ground with nothing to say to me. Do you love me the way she should’ve loved me
ALTHEA- Inside my head there’s this noise. Like a pounding. Like everyone talking at once. It gets worse. It gets louder. And she’s in there saying things. Telling me you’ll never give me what I need. I need so many things and you won’t give them. Where’s my servants? My money? My different shoes for every day of the week? A new dress each day? And all of the presents?.
EDMUND-I think about her. When her skin was black with poison. She looked beautiful and pure dead like that. I like the quiet of dead things.
ALTHEA- I’m asking you a question. When do I get my things? Don’t touch me when I asking you a question.
EDMUND-I have two pennies. Go buy yourself an ice cream little girl.
ALTHEA- Don’t be stupid.
EDMUND-I don’t want to give you mothers money.
ALTHEA-I don’t care what you want Edmund.
EDMUND-No. Nobody cares what I want.
ALTHEA-Don’t play with me. I’ve learned about making things happen. I can do a ritual. A magic spell. To make you vomit up the bad things and get small. A killing made you big. And I won’t be your bug. Smashed down. This is my house now.
EDMUND-I could push you into the floor. Stuff you into a box. I can’t hear you when you scream at me. You aren’t magic Althea. I am. I make things stop. I make magic. You don’t
make anything.
One-Act Play
Character Breakdown
Althea- A young girl of no more than sixteen. She is a parlor maid.
Edmund- A young boy from a wealthy family
Synopsis
Althea and Edmund is a one-act, gothic, horror play.
Production History
Althea and Edmund was directed by Sheila Daniels as a Senior project at Cornish College of the Arts in 1997
Selected Excerpt
Scene Eleven
The Wedding
ALTHEA in a very conservative, elaborate wedding dress. She looks locked up. EDMUND in wedding clothes. Stilted wedding music plays. Both stand facing forward. As the music plays the bars of a cage descend over and around them.
EDMUND
In my dreams at night, you are smaller. I watch you from up above. You make sounds but, I’m too far away to hear them and sometimes I keep you in a bird cage just for fun. I poke a stick at you and you squeak and when I pet you you don’t try to get out of the cage. You like it there. I teach you the things I’ve learned from reading. And you agree that nobody knows more things. And you say that you love me very loud. So, loud I can hear it all the way up to where I am. I like you small. And when I’m tired of you I put a blanket over your bird cage and you are quiet. That’s what I think about when I’m sleeping next to you. I’m thinking that you should be smaller. You should take up less room.
ALTHEA
I dream and dream. Of bees. Bees on my face. I don’t move I don’t move or they’ll sting. I’m very still. I make my voice cold and blank. I make myself invisible like wind. But, the bees hang on and they sting but I don’t die. I don’t feel anything. Nothing happens but, I can’t move. And inside my stillness they build a hive and live there. Holding me still. And I’m afraid and I wake up with my hands over my mouth.
Scene Twelve
Setting- The bedroom of EDMUND’S house. There is a huge wooden bed covered with white sheets. EDMUND is half undressed. He sits on the bed. ALTHEA sits on the floor in front of the bed.
ALTHEA- No. I won’t.
EDMUND- Come here.
ALTHEA- I won’t have your mouth on mine. It’s stupid. I smell you. Salty and sharp. Like a dead bat.
EDMUND- It’s love. Don’t you want it? It’s love.
ALTHEA- You stink. Why don’t you take a bath?
EDMUND- I don’t have to. I’m the beast. I make the bleeding. I make the secrets.
ALTHEA- No. Did you buy me anything? Did you buy me a gift or something? Something gold? Something velvet. I don’t have any beautiful things.
EDMUND- You don’t love me Althea. Like you’re supposed to. You don’t think about me all of the time The way you should. Now that she’s dead. Dead in the ground with nothing to say to me. Do you love me the way she should’ve loved me
ALTHEA- Inside my head there’s this noise. Like a pounding. Like everyone talking at once. It gets worse. It gets louder. And she’s in there saying things. Telling me you’ll never give me what I need. I need so many things and you won’t give them. Where’s my servants? My money? My different shoes for every day of the week? A new dress each day? And all of the presents?.
EDMUND-I think about her. When her skin was black with poison. She looked beautiful and pure dead like that. I like the quiet of dead things.
ALTHEA- I’m asking you a question. When do I get my things? Don’t touch me when I asking you a question.
EDMUND-I have two pennies. Go buy yourself an ice cream little girl.
ALTHEA- Don’t be stupid.
EDMUND-I don’t want to give you mothers money.
ALTHEA-I don’t care what you want Edmund.
EDMUND-No. Nobody cares what I want.
ALTHEA-Don’t play with me. I’ve learned about making things happen. I can do a ritual. A magic spell. To make you vomit up the bad things and get small. A killing made you big. And I won’t be your bug. Smashed down. This is my house now.
EDMUND-I could push you into the floor. Stuff you into a box. I can’t hear you when you scream at me. You aren’t magic Althea. I am. I make things stop. I make magic. You don’t
make anything.
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